Pre-Ramble:  I pretty much thought I was Queen-of-all-things-technology until yesterday…

Despite what my web guy thinks, I can be technologically capable, if not downright astute. I know this because:

• I have had a cell phone for several years and am able to make and receive calls;
• I use my computer on a daily basis with only the occasional mishap (Agent James behind the Geek Squad desk at Best Buy told me that it wasn’t my fault that my hard drive crashed twice in two years);  
• I am regularly able to get most of the photos out of my digital camera;
• I am hearing that pissy “recalculating” command far less frequently from my GPS genie;
• I don’t have an ipod or an e-book yet, but I can pick them out of a line-up;
• I am aware that the proper terminology for prerecorded music is no longer “record, LP, 8-track, or cassette, and have stopped referring to at-home movies as “videos;”
• I have my own Facebook page (admitedly sparse, but it’s there);
• I have a Linked-In page (also woefully under-managed);
• I am able to summon neat videos on YouTube (love “Where the hell is Matt?”);
• I’ve bought stuff on ebay;
• it’s a rare day when I haven’t googled something; 
• I can hang-ten on the Internet without getting wet;
• I have my own website and what I am calling a blog.  

These are all tech-worthy things that I was feeling good about until I sat down to dinner with my kids.

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto … So, we were enjoying a respectable version of homemade pizza, when that unmistakable humming sound emanated from the other side of the room. We have a rule about taking calls or text messages during “forced family time” and, while I know it’s killing them, my kids are pretty good about it. Instead of actually taking the call, we engage in the equally intrusive behavior of looking over at the jittering device to ponder the source and reason for the call. It was at this point that our conversation turned to ”apps” and the entire room began to spin. 

OMG: Do you have any idea how much technical capability is crammed into these new small hand-held units?! My teenagers basically have 24/7 access to the contents of the entire World Wide Web including songs, photos, movies, encyclopedias, games, directories, social networks, up-to-the-minute-news-feeds, weather, navigation technology, and all manner of other random crap in the palm of their hand – literally. I hope you’re sitting down, in fact, you might want to remove your bifocals and breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes because this is mind-blowing stuff.

For the cost of one dollar or less, the casual iPhone user can download/upload (?) (magically transport something through thin air into your phone) what are called “applications” (add-on stuff that you didn’t know you needed when you bought your phone). According to tech blogmaster, Josh Catone, over 10,000 applications are currently available for the Apple iPhone.  A survey of users found that 93 percent have added at least one application, and that 45 percent have added more than eleven. Apparently, some app developers are pulling in over $5,000 per week and analysts predict that the aptly named Apple App Store will be a billion dollar business by next year. Before I scrap this blogging nonsense and start writing iPhone apps, let me share a few of my favorites:

• running stats – take your phone on a workout to monitor running route, mileage, terrain, time, and calories burned
• movie info - based on your location (GPS), it can show you nearby theaters, listings, times, directions, and THE MOVIE TRAILERS!
• “bubble wrap” - screen fills with what looks like bubble wrap packing material; gamer tries to “pop”/touch as many bubble-spaces as they can in 30 seconds (includes annoying popping sounds). I have witnessed three teenage girls do this for over 45 minutes straight.
• “flipping coin” – if you’re in charge of the coin toss at the Super Bowl, you’ll want this app – a video of an actual size U.S. quarter spinning over and over until it randomly stops on heads or tails.
• “easy relax” – perfect for our stressed out teens (see bubble-wrap game above), relaxing sounds invite listener to fall asleep to a warm campfire, Hawaiian ocean sounds, birds twittering in the jungle, or a gentle rain (actually sounds more like someone urinating in a port-a-potty)
• “whoopie cushion” – yup, just what it sounds like… can be activated without actually sitting on the phone.
• “Zippo lighter” – remember in the olden days when we used to wave lighter-flames over our heads at concerts to insight an encore? … then it became the light from open cell-phones? … Now, tech-savvy concertgoers can wave an iPhone screen of a flickering Zippo lighter video…
• “mosquito tone” (Caution: this is where you are going to feel OLD) - Ideally suited to multi-generational, summer, outdoor gatherings in Minnesota, this app puts out a pulsing, high-pitched tone that repels mosquitos and teenagers - AND CANNOT BE HEARD BY PEOPLE OVER AGE 25. I swear to you on a stack of Depends, when this sound occurs, my daughters will cover their ears and dive for the nearest fox hole and I can’t hear a thing – nada, nothing, zip. Seriously. Invented by Howard Stapleton in 2005, the controversial “Mosquito” is an ultrasonic sound typically inaudible to people over 25 years of age (the ability to hear high frequencies deteriorates over the human lifespan). When tested, the ultra-high-frequency tone successfully disbursed a crowd of unruly teenagers loitering near a grocery store in South Wales.
• “poison pill” (my personal favorite) – if the unthinkable happens and your iPhone becomes lost, (for some, the technological equivalent of losing a limb) you can send it an email from a remote location which will essentially wipe out all of the information contained in it’s memory banks while you drive away in the Auston Martin DB III.

The Take-Away: Clearly, an era of unprecedented change is upon us and we “late adopters” need to stick together and keep our ears to the ground. Please feel free to share your favorite app(s), tech-enlightenment moments, etc.  And, if anybody can explain the difference between “upload” and “download” I would be very appreciative.

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