Pre-Ramble:  Just when you think it’s safe to go to sleep, you hear a flapping sound coming from the bedroom window and realize that there’s a bat in the house. Such was the case last night, which is why I got no sleep, which is why I’m so crabby.

I hate bats. I’d rather have a mouse, or a spider, (maybe not a snake), or a flipping wooly mammoth, … TEN mice even, or TEN FLIPPING WOOLY MAMMOTHS, than have a bat in the house.

I know, … bats are good creatures … they provide a vital ecological role … blah, blah.  Sure, bats are the only mammals capable of flight.  Great, whatever.  If you can even call that “flight” … all that creepy fluttering and darting.  Apparently, over 70% of bats are insectivores, with the rest frugivores (eat fruit) and carnivores (eat people).  And, bats can range in weight from an itty-bitty 2 grams to a chunky 3 pounds. Just what we need is a 3 pound bat hanging around the fruit bowl.

911 - People have all sorts of ideas about how to apprehend a bat that gets into the house including scooping it out of the air with a bedsheet, taking a swing at it with a tennis racket, or flicking lights on and off (to what – “strobe” it into submission?). I prefer to duck under the covers and scream at nearby family members. (Which is better than what I did when I was living in one of my first apartments and I thought there was a mouse in the kitchen trash can, which was to call the police.) (They were super nice about it and carried it out into the backyard.)

The Take-Away: When all else fails, call Critter Control … 651-731-3865. For $125 they will come out to the house and comb the joint with nothing but their wits and a piece of sticky cardboard until they find the damn thing.

Post-Note: For all you bat lovers (you have serious problems), the “Bats” wall poster shown above can be yours for just $21.99, or $129.99 framed. Heck, for $129.99, you can come over here and play tennis with my bat, … or roll around in a sheet with my ten wooly mammoths.

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