Pre-Ramble: Great. It’s Fashion Week. Didn’t we just do this? I assure you, I didn’t wear “dressy shorts” with patterned tights and stacked wedges last season, and I won’t wear them this season either — even if they come in that fancy new “vivid sorbet yellow.”
Yes, this is a time to celebrate the Beautiful People, … in their Beautiful Clothes, with their Beautiful Sunglasses, tucked into their Beautiful Handbags, hanging on their Beautiful Shoulders, as they strut around on their freakishly long Beautiful Legs. It’s the long legs that really tick me off.
People with long legs look fabulous in everything. And the rest of us look like trolls. (That’s us, shown above.) People with long legs look good in vivid sorbet yellow dressy shorts. … Even if a short-legged person is wearing vivid sorbet dressy shorts with super-tall shoes, she really still looks like a troll, … on stilts.
Beautiful people are everywhere. Heck, even the the National Football League is getting into the act. Yesterday’s WSJ sports section ran a piece on the ranking of NFL teams according to cumulative scores around their “facial symmetry.” (I LOVE the Wall Street Journal.) Apparently, research findings show that the degree to which the features on both sides of an individual’s face are symmetrical is a reliable indicator of human attraction. The “Pretty in Pigskin” rankings answer the question on everyone’s mind — “Which NFL team is the handsomest?”
Turns out the most attractive group of players, with an average symmetry rating of 99.47 is the Buffalo Bills. Clearly, beauty does not correlate with games won — the Bills had one of the worst records in the league (4-12 last season). The least attractive team was the Kansas City Chiefs, who came in last with a symmetry rating of 94.6 (but won its division title and made it to the play-offs). My hometown team, the Detroit Lions, came in at a respectable 98.1 (we won’t talk about their record … ), while the Minnesota Vikings ranked 30th out of 32 teams rated with a pitiful 96.4.
The Take-Away: In all fairness, very few of us can carry off that shade of purple and nobody looks good in those stupid horn/braid hats.
Post-Note: Speaking of beautiful people, is it just me, or did the GOP debates look like a homecoming court? The only thing missing were boutonnieres and a tiara.