Pre-Ramble:

This year, the first shot was fired across the bow by none other than Clinton Kelly, the other half of the “Clinton and Stacy” duo from the popular show on TLC ”What Not To Wear.”

In case you aren’t a fan, or don’t have daughters who threaten to submit your pathetic profile to the show on a regular basis, ”What Not To Wear” takes some poor, unsuspecting slob; throws out all of her horrible, ill-fitting clothes; and releases her onto the streets of Madison Avenue with nothing but a few fashion tips and a loaded credit card. The fashionista-in-training invariably comes back with bags of new horrible, ill-fitting clothes and eventually Clinton and Stacy are compelled to take her out and dress her up in stuff that is flattering, stylish and suited to a new fashionable lifestyle.

Well, so, apparently, Clinton is teaming up with a local alterations chain to bring his fashion-guru-ness to our own Minnesota Mecca of Americana – the Mall of America. Based on the premise that “the essence of style is fit,” “Perfect Fit by Clinton Kelly” tailoring, alterations and style consultation service will debut in the Mall this weekend.

Frankly, he couldn’t have chosen a better venue; the MOA is host to all ilk of fashion violations, at all levels of the fashion spectrum.  However, given this missive around turtlenecks, it is clear that pretty-boy Clinton (he is pretty cute), has NEVER set foot in Minnesota in the winter.  In an interview to promote the “Perfect Fit” opening, Clinton gives the following “haute tip for surviving a Minnesota winter” …

“Beware of the turtleneck … Don’t get me wrong, a turtleneck can be a wonderful thing, and I have a few of them myself … But they should be saved for a really cold day when you’re skiing or spending time outside.”

Seriously?! …  “Saved for a really cold day” … ??  You mean like, EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS STRAIGHT??

The Take-Away:  Clinton, baby, It’s COLD outside” — !  See below for What To Wear in from the MOA parking lot.  (Turtleneck strongly suggested.)

Pre-Ramble:

German costume designer, Heather MacCrimmon, noticed some children’s drawings on a friend’s refrigerator of “princesses in fantastical dresses.”

She thought it would be fun to actually MAKE the dresses exactly as they were drawn … to “bring to life the clothes in children’s artwork, designs by children too young to be influenced by commercial fashion.”

An example of her work is shown at right (the drawing below) – A red linen dress with appliqued white geometric designs imagined, drawn and modeled by 7-year-old Anne Marie Perelwitz (photo by Heike Isenmann).

The Take-Away:  How awesome is that!?  I love it when people have an interesting, fun idea like this and follow through on it.  And, if only there really was a way to get the perfect clothes that you can imagine in your mind’s eye — and never find on the rack!

Pre-Ramble:

Yes, this is a time to celebrate the Beautiful People, … in their Beautiful Clothes, with their Beautiful Sunglasses, tucked into their Beautiful Handbags, hanging on their Beautiful Shoulders, as they strut around on their freakishly long Beautiful Legs. It’s the long legs that really tick me off.

People with long legs look fabulous in everything.  And the rest of us look like trolls.  (That’s us, shown above.) People with long legs look good in vivid sorbet yellow dressy shorts. … Even if a short-legged person is wearing vivid sorbet dressy shorts with super-tall shoes, she really still looks like a troll, … on stilts.

Beautiful people are everywhere. Heck, even the the National Football League is getting into the act. Yesterday’s WSJ sports section ran a piece on the ranking of NFL teams according to cumulative scores around their “facial symmetry.”  (I LOVE the Wall Street Journal.) Apparently, research findings show that the degree to which the features on both sides of an individual’s face are symmetrical is a reliable indicator of human attraction. The “Pretty in Pigskin” rankings answer the question on everyone’s mind – ”Which NFL team is the handsomest?”

Turns out the most attractive group of players, with an average symmetry rating of 99.47 is the Buffalo Bills.  Clearly, beauty does not correlate with games won — the Bills had one of the worst records in the league (4-12 last season).  The least attractive team was the Kansas City Chiefs, who came in last with a symmetry rating of 94.6 (but won its division title and made it to the play-offs).  My hometown team, the Detroit Lions, came in at a respectable 98.1 (we won’t talk about their record … ), while the Minnesota Vikings ranked 30th out of 32 teams rated with a pitiful 96.4.

The Take-Away:  In all fairness, very few of us can carry off that shade of purple and nobody looks good in those stupid horn/braid hats.

Post-Note:  Speaking of beautiful people, is it just me, or did the GOP debates look like a homecoming court?  The only thing missing were boutonnieres and a tiara.

Pre-Ramble: A rainy day in NYC makes negotiating the sidewalk scene even more of a challenge; umbrellas and puddles necessitate a lot of bobbing and weaving.

Heading up Madison Avenue, around 60^th Street or so, I end up walking on the heels of this quirkily dressed guy, darting across against the light. Mid-street, Quirky Guy, whom I have named Wile E. for reasons which will become clear shortly, glances back at me over the top of his thick, hip, black glasses (think Elvis Costello, but less intentionally nerdy) to conspiratorially declare that we were being “very risky” … To which I replied, “We’re going to be flattened … like Wile E. Coyote … “

He smirked and slowed his pace to engage further. We walk a few more blocks, each under our respective umbrellas, chatting about stupid stuff … the weather … anvils (not really, but I wish I would have interjected that) … and he asks where I’m from. When I say Minnesota, he says, “Oh, yes, you’ve got that Midwest accent … “ then adds, “Like Fargo!” I roll my eyes in my mind and reply, “Yup, like Fargo …” (Note: People from the northern Midwest states should get a royalty of some kind every time somebody invokes the movie Fargo within a 25 foot radius of our person.)

We briefly discuss Frances McDormand’s career and then I ask, “So, where are you from?” Wile smugly states that he is from “L.A. … “ …. “Ah,” I say, trying to muster up a little energy around my bad attitude toward the shallow, sprawling metropolis that is Los Angeles.

Wishing to shift the topic, I quickly ask, “So, what do you do?”  “Hairdresser,” he shoots back, flashing a curious grin. “Oh,” I say, … “Great, …” (While really thinking, “NOT great,” … doing a quick scan of my lame headband and ponytail) …  I continue, “What brings you to New York?” He answers, “Workin’ on a movie,” (more smugness).  “Oh,” I perk up, … “What movie?”  He says a movie title that has “bad” and “bosses” in it, which registers some flicker of familiarity, … I think I’ve seen the preview … something silly and a little smutty … but I can’t place who’s in it … maybe it’s Cameron Diaz … maybe Jennifer Aniston …maybe one of those other young-ish, blonde actresses …   Rather than conjecture further, I ask, “So, who’s hair do you do?”

“The actress who is in the movie,” is the coy response. I give him a look, and he instantly volunteers, “Jennifer Aniston …” then pauses for my response.

I raise my eyebrows and affirm his statement with the proper level of shock and awe … “Oh, wow, … Jennifer Aniston”… “She has great hair … “ …    (In all deference to Wile’s work, I’m thinking, “So, what, … you like blow it dry and straighten it, maybe?”)  Actually, I might have said that out loud, because he shoots back with, “Oh, my god, you need to blah, blah, blah with mousse on the roots, and blow it to blah, blah, blah, and weave the color, blah, blah … “  I understand his need to justify this, and acknowledge that Ms. Aniston’s hair (shown above) is “iconic” and “always looks remarkable” ….

As we move up the street, Wile regroups from my underwhelming response and points out a ruffly taupe trench coat in a shop front window. More stating than asking he notes, “Isn’t that stunning? …. Just stunning!”  I reply that while it is indeed stunning, it would look ridiculous in Minnesota.  He chastises me with a few remarks about how it’s all attitude and personal style (has the guy ever actually BEEN in a mall?) … A few short blocks later, Wile reaches his destination (Fred Leighton – sooo Hollywood) and bids me a good rest of my visit to New York. I wish him well in return and continue to splash my way uptown.

Later that night, I’m mucking around online and decide to check into Wile’s backstory to see whether all that Jennifer Aniston/movies talk was just a load of crap. And, let me just say, that even if he wasn’t legit, he should win an award for “Most Convincing Hairdresser to the Stars Impersonation Ever.”

Shut up! So, before I can finish typing the second “s” in “hairdresser,” up pops Wile’s mug along with a bunch of press shots of Jennifer Aniston, Penelope Cruz and Victoria Beckham. Apparently, not only is Wile a hairdresser, he is a very well-known hairdresser – with his own line of products and a namesake salon in Beverly Hills. Wile is a.k.a. Chris McMillan (shown below) … long-time good friend and part of Aniston’s “entourage.”

Clearly, I am not up on my True Hollywood Story, and must have been a tremendous source of frustration for my Mr. Hairdresser to the Stars. (Thought starter: If some random gal from the Midwest doesn’t recognize you on the street, or worse, not know who you are after a quick bio, are you actually the hot shot you think you are?)

Actually, in spite of the fact that I didn’t know he was such a big deal, Wile was a great chat and I really enjoyed spending a few blocks shooting the breeze with him. My only regret was that, in all my obliviousness, I didn’t ask if he was free to do a little cut and color on my desperately-in-need tresses.

Wile! Baby! … if you’re still in town, I promise I’ll be more sycophantic if you could give me a quick Hollywood “do” to take back to “Fargo.”  If I like it, you can be part of my entourage too.

Pre-Ramble:

Phew!! …. I’d love to be blogging about how great New York is and all of the fun we’ve been having setting up shop in the sublet apartment, finding the nearest grocery store and practicing riding the subway, but all I can think about at the moment is, “Man, do my feet hurt … !”

Seriously, I was wearing what I thought were the most comfy, versatile, stylish, FLAT shoes on the planet (not them at right), but clearly, if the blistered pulp that is the bottoms of my feet are any indication,  I was sorely mistaken.

On the face of it, this painful condition could be considered a problem. However, as one who likes to walk on the sunny side of life, I prefer to see it as an opportunity — I am going to need to get myself a new pair of shoes!

Have we got a shoe for you! And, if a gal is in the market for some new shoes, the Big Apple is a great place to look. As home to Sex in the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, NYC has shoes of every imaginable shape, style and price point including strappy little beauties by designers Jimmy Choo, Christain Louboutin and Manolo Blahnik.

I’m sure these are lovely shoes, however, after my experience of the last two days, I’m going to need a pair that can stand up to some serious street walking. (Not THAT kind of street walking.)  I can’t be pounding the pavement and dodging cabs while teetering en pointe …

The Take-Away: Well, whatever I end up with, I assure you it won’t be the footwear we saw at the Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art this afternoon.  The brilliantly disturbed, now deceased designer came up with what he called the “armadillo shoe” (shown above) … A sculptural, but virtually unwearable contortion that makes the ends of his subjects legs (where  feet would normally go) look like elaborate, clunky, other-worldly hooves.

Alexander was a very creative guy, but “crippled Dasypodidae” isn’t quite the look I’m going for.  Do you have anything in a ”sensible, sturdy” size 8M?

Pre-Ramble:

Multi-faceted icon - Considered one of the great actresses of Hollywood’s Golden Age, Elizabeth Taylor was known for many things — her stunning beauty, violet eyes, multiple marriages, three Oscars, business ventures, humanitarian works, and also her jewelry.

Taylor’s jewelry collection contains some of the most exquisite pieces in history, among them the 33 carat Krupp Diamond; the heart-shaped, yellow Taj Mahal Diamond; and the flawless, pear-shaped 69 carat Taylor-Burton Diamond, first worn publicly at a party in Monaco for Princess Grace’s 40th birthday and sold by Taylor in 1978 to fund a hospital in Botswana.

In her book, “Elizabeth Taylor: My Love Affair with Jewelry,” (2002) Ms. Taylor shares her remarkable collection of diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires, confiding that,

“I’m fortunate to have some very important pieces of jewelry. I don’t believe I own any of the pieces. I believe that I am their custodian, here to enjoy them, to give them the best treatment in the world, to watch after their safety, and to love them … I want to give others a glimpse of the thrills and pure happiness that these beautiful creations have given me.”

The Take-Away:  Clearly, the complex actress loved and was inspired by the extraordinary jewels that she had the privilege of “watching over” in her unique, often tumultuous world. In fact, Elizabeth Taylor was an extraordinary jewel herself.  As though under glass in the rarified context of Hollywood, her sparkling, preternatural beauty and ultimately unshakable spirit was on display … a multi-faceted aura … both admired and scrutinized throughout her drama-filled lifetime.

Pre-Ramble:

Well, needless to say, I managed to breach that plan almost instantaneously by posting what is probably one of my longest entries ever last week. I knew it was long, but in my own defense, it was right on topic - scoping around in people’s heads to get a better understanding of how they think and what inspires them is totally aligned with innovation, and one of my very favorite things to do. And, I couldn’t leave out the part about Nerf balls.

Spoiler alert. Ok, so, in another failed attempt, I will now keep the blog entry brief while veering completely off topic …  I never thought I’d have to state my position on this, but the recent headliner in WSJ’s Personal Journal (4/22/10) has pushed my hand — I will never spend $3,000 on a pair of lederhosen.

“Not since the Von Trapp children donned their lederhosen (German for “leather trousers”) in “The Sound of Music” has the fashion world seen so many variations on the traditional attire of Bavarian Boys. Naturally, the look has been transformed for contemporary women. Gone are the front flaps and suspenders. Many of the new leather shorts look like regular pleated and cuffed shorts – with a certain swagger.”

The “city shorts” look, the latest innovation/trend in fashion, is supposed to imbue the wearer with a versatile, ”effortless sensuality” … 

“It’s got that rocker feel, but it’s also casual … Teen idol Miley Cyrus recently wore black leather shorts while performing, and singer Rihanna appeared on the cover of GQ in a tiny brown pair of Balmain leather shorts – and nothing else.” 

Swagger, my ass!  Oh, yes – this totally fits with my lifestyle.  Next time I’m performing at the grocery store I’ll be sure to rock the shorts with some sturdy tights and a tasseled loafer. (I know better than to attempt the bare-legged option.) Fashion reporter Rachel Dodes offers some quick tips (accompanied here by my smarty-pants remarks) on how to pull off the look:

1. “Keep it simple – when wearing leather shorts, it’s easy to become a bad cliche” – No, seriously?
2. “Wear leather shorts for daytime as well as nighttime” - From where I sit, as long as you don’t leave the house, you’d be appropriate wearing the look at any time of day or night.
3. “Be conscious of what looks good on you” – This is code for, “If you’re old or fat don’t even finish reading this blog.”
4. “Don’t wear the style in more formal offices” - I’m sure it will be fine in your casual offices, particularly if you pair it with your feather vest (shown above right).
5. “Don’t wear leather shorts with high heels or anything too revealing … Leather shorts can look ‘a little cheesy’ with platforms” – Especially if you are working street corners late at night.
6. “Don’t be shy; leather shorts have attitude… Designer Laurie Lynn Stark advises wearing leather shorts with ‘a low boot, a bikini top and a scarf around your head.” – This requires no comment.

The Take-Away: See point #6 above.

Pre-Ramble:

Lots to love (Sandra Bullock, Sarah Jessica Parker) … and hate (Charlize Theron, twice). 

One thing I noticed this year was that the pit-stop interviewers would ask  an actress who had designed their dress, and maybe, if they had on some outrageous bling, who designed their jewelry. Sure … normal.

And then, they would turn to stand-by-significant-other and ask him who designed his tux.

Don’t read this, Tom Ford – Is it wrong of me … even sexist of me … to totally NOT CARE what kind of tux an actor is wearing? Armani, Prada, Tom Ford, J.C. Penny … HELLO!? … THEY ARE ALL WEARING BLACK JACKETS WITH BLACK PANTS AND WHITE SHIRTS!

Sure; there is no doubt that some actors look better in The Uniform than others. It is no coincidence that Bradley Cooper and Gerard Butler were co-presenters for “Best Visual Effects.” (And T-Bone Burnett would look beyond cool in anything he put on.)

The Take-Away:  Sorry guys, even if you look amazing, … even if you’re rockin’ a periwinkle pocket square, … even if you’re Griswold Lorillard at the annual Autumn Ball, … I still don’t care what brand of black suit you’re wearing.

Pre-Ramble:

I jump up, grab a pair of scissors, and cut out the article or photo or whatever.

My office is knee-deep in cut out, must-save newspaper and magazine articles. 

This week was no exception.  (See photo at right.)

For a second, I was convinced that someone had snuck into our house in 1994 and snapped a shot of my daughter’s room … except, upon closer observation, the wall color is way too neutral and there aren’t enough naked Barbies lying around. Apparently, the photo, called “Seo Woo and Her Pink Things,” is part of a Korean exhibit at The Museum of Fine Arts in Houston called “Chaotic Harmony.” Good title.

So, do you see the child — presumably Seo Woo – slumped against the wall (above right)? Yipes. How much pink nail polish can one kid really use?  How much allowance did it take to buy all this stuff?  Look how gigantic those tubes of toothpaste are in the foreground (front left)!  And, where in the heck is Seo Woo supposed to sleep?  (If this was my room, I’d be looking for a sensory deprivation tank.)

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  I’m thinking that this probably isn’t all really Seo Woo’s stuff.  Look at those clothes HANGING UP in the background!  Look at the way those pencils are lined up …  There is definitely a mom behind this. Or a curator.

Ok, I don’t admit this to everyone. In fact, I may never have admitted this to anyone.  

Sometimes, … I will buy things for my two girls … that I secretly want for myself. It’s usually little stupid stuff, like tiny pink and green vinyl notebooks with a little tiny matching pencil. Or, there was the time I bought us all little matching silver bells with Beatrix Potter characters fused onto the top.  One year, Baby Gap had some pastel colored barrettes clipped to a piece of pale pink satin ribbon with a tiny golden jingle-bell at the end.  Never mind that my girls were too little to have any meaningful hair, they were never allowed to lay a finger on those awesome barrettes. To this day, the object de barrettes are hanging from their dusty satin ribbon on my office bulletin board.

The Take-Away:  There’s something about pink. 

Post Note:  The only thing better than pink, is pink and sparkly. 

Pre-Ramble:

It’s usually something by James Wolcott in Vanity Fair, or Martha Beck in O Magazine, or anything in The New York Times Sunday Magazine.

Interestingly, at least to a wordsmithing wannabe like me, some of the funniest, or I should say “punniest” turns of phrase show up in the Wall Street Journal. Front page headlines, even those heralding weightly matters, are regularly laced with double entendre.  And now that the Journal has a sports page, they have virtually run amuck.

Take an article in Monday’s sports section about the controversy surrounding the decision made by the Federation Internationale de Natation (FINA), the governing body of competitive swimming, to ban “performance enhancing suits” (PES) or “supersuits” the fabric and fit of which “can improve speed, buoyancy and endurance.”

Now, I’m not a big swimmer. In fact, I don’t really care for swimming. … Ok, I loathe swimming … I don’t even like to get wet. That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t like swimming more if I could wear one of these sleek, spandex, full-length suits, especially if they come with a built-in control panel in the ab flab zone and can net me a couple of gold medals.

Anyway, this supersuit article (by Allen Barra) was just dripping with water puns, four of which I must share with you now:

From now on, FINA has dictated, swimmers will sink or swim in suits made of traditional textiles.”

The prohibition doesn’t take effect until January 1, 2010, but it’s already created ripples in the swim world.”

Sports purists counter that such arguments don’t hold water.”

[Even] for those of us with kids who don’t dream of Olympic medals, the FINA decision will have a trickle-down effect.”

The Take-Away:  Allen, I am not worthy. Even if I were to plumb the depths of my vocabulary, I wouldn’t be able to match the superior caliber of style, finesse and punsterismness that you demonstrate in your work.  

Post-Note:  It might be a stretch … and I might be in over my head here, but I’m not going to let the fact that I’m still wet behind the ears when it comes to writing dampen my enthusiasm.  Just because I’m an amateur doesn’t mean I can’t float the occasional bad pun or flip remark. (My only regret here is that I wasn’t able to work in the word “hosed.”)