Pre-Ramble: Every couple of days or so, I come across a piece of writing that is so poetic, insightful and clever that I wish I had written it. 

It’s usually something by James Wolcott in Vanity Fair, or Martha Beck in O Magazine, or anything in The New York Times Sunday Magazine.

Interestingly, at least to a wordsmithing wannabe like me, some of the funniest, or I should say “punniest” turns of phrase show up in the Wall Street Journal. Front page headlines, even those heralding weightly matters, are regularly laced with double entendre.  And now that the Journal has a sports page, they have virtually run amuck.

Take an article in Monday’s sports section about the controversy surrounding the decision made by the Federation Internationale de Natation (FINA), the governing body of competitive swimming, to ban “performance enhancing suits” (PES) or “supersuits” the fabric and fit of which “can improve speed, buoyancy and endurance.”

Now, I’m not a big swimmer. In fact, I don’t really care for swimming. … Ok, I loathe swimming … I don’t even like to get wet. That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t like swimming more if I could wear one of these sleek, spandex, full-length suits, especially if they come with a built-in control panel in the ab flab zone and can net me a couple of gold medals.

Anyway, this supersuit article (by Allen Barra) was just dripping with water puns, four of which I must share with you now:

From now on, FINA has dictated, swimmers will sink or swim in suits made of traditional textiles.”

The prohibition doesn’t take effect until January 1, 2010, but it’s already created ripples in the swim world.”

Sports purists counter that such arguments don’t hold water.”

[Even] for those of us with kids who don’t dream of Olympic medals, the FINA decision will have a trickle-down effect.”

The Take-Away:  Allen, I am not worthy. Even if I were to plumb the depths of my vocabulary, I wouldn’t be able to match the superior caliber of style, finesse and punsterismness that you demonstrate in your work.  

Post-Note:  It might be a stretch … and I might be in over my head here, but I’m not going to let the fact that I’m still wet behind the ears when it comes to writing dampen my enthusiasm.  Just because I’m an amateur doesn’t mean I can’t float the occasional bad pun or flip remark. (My only regret here is that I wasn’t able to work in the word “hosed.”)

Pre-Ramble: One of my favorite friends is a jewelry designer. She has her own little business — if you can call that work. She gets to play with rare and sparkly gemstones all day. She has a brown leather briefcase that she carries around and it’s filled with all kinds of exquisite stuff.

Anyway, every year she goes to Las Vegas to a giant jewelry trade show… Christmas in May, really. Vendors from all over the world bring their jewels to trade and sell. This year she said that vendors were very conscious of the strained economic scenario, and had a much less stringent set of conditions around sales. She also said that this year, everywhere she turned, people were selling estate jewelry (code for used jewelry, often from people who are deceased) — specifically tiaras.

Tiaras?

Suffice it to say that, up until that point, the notion of owning a tiara, possibly more than one, was completely foreign to me. Beyond princesses, beauty queens, brides and four-year-olds, who actually wears tiaras? (And, I am rather stunned that I was able to come up with four categories of people just then, who would look totally normal in a tiara.)

According to renowned jewelry authority, Diana Scarisbrick,

“The tiara is the hallmark of grace and distinction worn for centuries by nobility and high society and favored by movie stars and modern brides.” 

Ms. Scarisbrick has written a book that “traces the history and social context of tiaras, as well as the fascinating succession of owners of some especially remarkable [pieces] … showcasing an astonishing range of styles, shapes and configurations … and celebrating the artistry, glamour and romantic mystique of these exquisite objects.”

(Of course, if you google “tiara” you can also find a link to, “Tiara Town … your one-stop tiara paradise.”) It is also interesting to note that superheroine, Wonder Woman is often depicted wearing a tiara, and hers can be “used as a weapon.”

Ok – so let’s say I take the kid’s college fund to Vegas and splurge on my very own tiara. And, since I’m basically a thrifty type, let’s say it’s a used pre-owned vintage tiara.  How much am I spending on this thing?  What is the resale on a gently used tiara? I guess it depends on what kind of materials it is made of, the quality and condition of the stones, and whether or not it was formerly owned by somebody really cool, like Audrey Hepburn, The Queen Mother, or Dame Edna.

So, let’s say I get the tiara, and, like my first pair of red patent-leather shoes, I insist on wearing it home. Nobody notices in Vegas, it turns a few heads on the plane, and by the time the wheels hit the tarmac in the Twin Cities I feel like a complete freak. The tiara is probably not going to fly in Minnesota, home of the warm hot dish and sensible shoes — a blingy headband, maybe, but not a tiny bedazzled crown.

Think about it… Where am I wearing the tiara besides in my office? … Walking the dog? … Grocery shopping? … On the golf course? … To book club? … “Oh Kathie, is that a new tiara? … “  … I suppose it would work on New Year’s Eve or Halloween, or the next time I go to a coronation. If you know me, you know that I am generally pretty conservative when it comes to fashion. Can a tiara be worn with a turtleneck?

The Take-Away:  A quick consult with Nina Garcia’s “Little Black Book of Fashion” confirms my assumption that the tiara is not quite mainstream. However, while she makes no mention of the bejeweled headpiece specifically, there are plenty of guidelines around fashionable presentation. I think I have found a suitable tiara loophole on page 142, where Nina sums it all up by saying:

I have spent a good many seasons watching fashion trends come and go, style myths created and dismantled, hemlines rise and fall. The one solid piece of advice I have to offer is: don’t take it all too seriously… because, in the end you are the only judge that really matters. … Style is a matter of finding out who you are and who you want to be in the world. I hope you choose to be fabulous, daring, fun, inspired, and yourself.”

Clearly, what she means here is, “Go ahead — wear the tiara!”

Pre-Ramble: Yell the word “bacon” in a crowded room, and conversation will hush — half of the people will turn with a look of recogition that says, “you are one of us” – the other half will look askance as though you’ve just committed some foul breech of personal etiquette. I will venture to say that beyond a mere culinary preference, an affinity for bacon represents a lifestyle choice.

So, as a closet bacon aficionado for the last 25 years (at least that’s all I’ll admit to in this forum), I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that bacon has become an uber-trendy darling, not only to the foodie crowd, but among a variety of other fraternities as well. Not even the very popular olives and cupcakes have busted through the boundaries of the ordinary foodstuff to become the versatility player and cross-over talent that bacon has. 

Author Joanna Pruess says it best in her homage, “Seduced by Bacon,”

Although 71 percent of bacon is still eaten for breakfast and brunch, it has recently stepped into the limelight as a culinary superstar. Led by a charge from creative cooks and chefs … this once humble staple [is now featured] in dishes that are served at all hours of the day and evening and at some of the finest restaurants. Ounce for ounce, slice per slice, no other quintessential ingredient has the seductive powers of bacon. 

Here, here!!! No truer words were ever spoken. This “seductive superstar” comes in a wide variety of flavors conjured up in smokehouses all across the country. There’s Applewood Smoked, Cinnamon Cured, Peppercorn, Cob Smoked, Hickory Smoked, Maple Cured, Garlic Clove, Hickory Juniper and even Jalapeno Smoked bacon. Consult the Grateful Palate’s Field Guide to Bacon for an exhaustive list of bacon options.

Polarizing pork:  And, it’s not just fabulous by itself, bacon in combination with other foods is downright tasty as well. Beyond its workhorse roles in the BLT or as a companion to eggs, bacon has become the favorite foil to all sorts of unusual food fare. Last year’s Minnesota State Fair featured a new controversial food-on-a-stick — Famous Dave’s Pig Lickers … dark chocolate-covered crispy bacon pieces sprinkled with sea salt (because bacon isn’t salty enough). Some hailed its praises, others spit it out.

It’s everywhere.  Moving comfortably among both food and non-food venues, bacon can be found in the most unlikely places. Alongside the Oxford Classic Edition of The Major Works of Sir Francis Bacon on Amazon, for example, are twenty-five other “bacon” related products including bacon dip, bacon popcorn, bacon chocolate bars, bacon flavored jelly beans (in a bacon shaped collectible tin), a bacon wallet, bacon action figures, bacon bandages (I have a pack of these – positively grizzly), and the seriously misguided bacon air freshener (who wants a car that smells like you’ve just driven through a grease fire?)  Between you and me, the biggest down-side of these applied bacon products is the decidedly unphotogenic properties of meat.

The Take-Away:  Let’s face it — like name dropping the Octomom or Susan Boyle, writing a blog about bacon is a cheap stunt. It is so easy to piggy-back on the near-sacred reputation of this delectably salty, crispy/chewy delight. I fess up to the fact that pandering to the weakness of the hog wild set is a shameless act. Bacon makes desperate people do desperate things. My bad. (See there — I hate it when people say, “My bad,” but I just said it … clearly a desperate bacon-induced lapse.)

Post Note: One of the best presents I’ve ever received was a subscription to the Bacon-of-the-Month-Club. Every month, a knock would come on the door, and there would be my UPS man, smiling that knowing smile as he forked over the special chill-pack box. Bacon in the mail = heaven on earth.

Pre-Ramble: While fantasizing about spring, I am compelled to consider two bellwethers of the season – spring fashion and mosquitoes. Imagine softly swirling floral skirts, cool pressed linens, a straw hat, beaded sandals … Imagine tiny malicious mosquitoes, lurking in tiny newly-formed pockets of standing water, deliciously twirling the ends of tiny malicious mosquito mustaches … 

Well, so, last week, I was privileged to accompany my very stylish friend to a spring trunk show at the very exclusive Chanel boutique here in town. The show featured Chanel’s newest designs and fragrances. There were impeccably constructed dresses and skirts, matching jackets, extravagant evening gowns, resort wear, wraps, shoes, and all sorts of dreamy accessories, (including a small, totally covet-worthy, black and white leather “lunch bag style” handbag). 

The garments and presentation were lovely. Champagne and diminutive hors de oeuvres circulated on silver trays, while two exotically slender models moved through the room.  I’m guessing that the tufted tulle evening skirt would look entirely different bunched onto my height-challenged mom-frame.  

The Take-Away: At the close of the evening, we were presented with a complementary bottle of Chanel Paris Eau de Cologne (not it above) to take home.  I must qualify here that I am generally adverse to perfumes and scents — I nearly had to chew my arm off the last time I used a strongly scented hand lotion, and will not hesitate to unceremoniously deck the misguided sales associate who tries to spritz me in the perfume aisle. Thankfully, the Chanel cologne was delightful – fresh and grassy, like the crisp outdoors.

Interestingly, upon glancing over the ingredient list, I noticed that next to “alcohol” and “water,” one of the primary ingredients in Chanel Paris Eau de Cologne was “citronellol.”   Citronellol, as in ”citronella”??  Citronella, a.k.a., mosquito repellant?? 

Oui!!!

Opulence meets Outback:  According to my experts at wikipedia, while citronellol and other essential oils derived from the plant species Cymbopogon are widely used as perfumery chemicals, they are also a renowned plant-based insect repellant, classified as a biopesticide with a non-toxic mode of action by the Environmental Protection Agency. ( ! )  That’s right, ladies — Chanel cologne is essentially the designer equivalent of Deep Woods OFF.  Oh, the Boundary Waters are going to be a whole new ball game this year!

And, FYI — Research also indicates that citronella oil has strong antifungal properties and is effective in calming barking dogs. Not kidding.

Pre-Ramble: Well, you probably heard it somewhere else first, but I’ll repeat it for emphasis — according to Vogue editor, Anna Wintour, Fashion Week is going for “understated” this year…

I don’t think anyone is going to want to look overly flashy, overly glitzy, too Dubai, whatever you want to call it… I just don’t think that’s the moment.

Well, phew! I am so grateful for that insight, since I was just planning to stock up on desperately glitzy resort wear for our upcoming trip to Duluth. I think Anna is so right-on in her assertion that the pricing in fashion has become excessive, that a “sense of reality is needed,” and that there is “a very correct correction going on.”  

In these challenging economic times, it’s no wonder that designers, shop owners, and fashion plates are ruffled. Other sources echo Wintour’s sentiment, like this weekend’s headline in the Village Voice — “Grim, downscale fashion week starts today,” or USA Today — “… fashionistas have turned into recessionistas, … fearful of spending in a tanking economy.”  Obviously, these editors should be issued a fashion violation for their use of the words “grim” and ”tanking,” respectively; both clearly on the list of “words-which-shall-not-be-used” to describe economic conditions… (see related post from Feb. 4)

Quick primer: For those of you who don’t have teenage daughters and season’s pass to Project Runway, Bryant Park is an annual week long series of fashion shows that bring designers from all over the world to strut their stuff. Located in New York’s fashion district (duh), Bryant Park will host somewhere around 70 invitation-only events this year. According to city sources, last year’s shows drew more than 230,000 attendees and brought in over $465 million in visitor spending. Some of the “top drawer” designers who will show their collections during 2009 fashion week are Nicole Miller, Marc Jacobs, Caroline Herrera, Jason Wu (the young man who designed Michelle Obama’s dress for the inauguration), and Mattel.

Mattel, as in Barbie. According to her very own predominately pink blog, every girl’s fashion icon will “celebrate fifty years of fun, fashion, and friends” during Fashion Week, “… Everything from the most talked about runway moments, hottest parties, chicest trends and … all the latest must-have goodies!”  OMG!! … The Barbies didn’t get the memo! … Quick — somebody call the Dream House and let them know that glamour, bling, and big hair are out this year.

The Take-Away: A missive from luxe life fashion blog, ChicToday, says it all:

… we must remember that in these dire times, fashionable doesn’t have to mean expensive, but simply and stylishly elegant.  

Ms. Wintour’s under-the-radar ensemble — marigold print Carolina Herrera dress ($2,490), Burberry sateen trench ($1,595), and Manolo Blahnik alligator sling-backs ($2,685) – reflect these modest times perfectly.

Pre-Ramble:  So, the three lookers at right are me and a couple of my high school buddies spazzing out at our annual Holiday Cookie Baking Day last December. Why are we laughing?  Look at us - we’re wearing snugs!  The minute we put them on, we were laughing uncontrollably… it was Lucy and Ethel all the way. Let’s face it, THERE IS NO WAY TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WHEN YOU’RE WEARING SOMETHING GOOFY ON YOUR HEAD.

This is what makes Aretha Franklin’s Inaugural performance such an impressive feat. Not once, in the entire time that she was standing up there… in front of several million people… for what will be remembered as one of the most historical events ever… wearing what will be remembered as one of the most iconic pieces of headgear ever…, did she reveal even the slightest hint of a snicker. That’s restraint. That’s a professional.

Aretha totally rocks that hat  – she’s a diva and she’s got style. Created by 36-year-old Detroit milliner, Luke Song, the grey wool hat features a large, crystal-studded bow positioned asymmetrically on the front brim (think a jaunty Hello Kitty).  Like the “Queen of Soul,” performers have long been known to pull off all kinds of show-stopping attire… pop-stars Rihanna, Britney and Madonna (not them above right) can get away with wearing basically nothing but their underpants on stage.

The snug, incidently, was created by my friend Pam, whose small Minneapolis company, BellaPamella, harkens back to a simpler time offering beautiful, hand-crafted aprons and accessories. Pam describes the snug this way:

You can just give bad hair days a big wet kiss goodbye when you’re wearing a BellaPamella Hair Snug. Keeps your hair out of your eyes in style. Even makes window washing fun. Tie it in a single or double knot, depending on your style. One size fits all. Kids too! 100% cotton.

The Take Away: I’m pretty sure that window washing could never be fun, but you can see that even for the baking-challenged (me) the hair snug is the way to go. Caution: Snug-plug ahead… If Rihanna, Britney, Madonna, Aretha, or any of you girlfriends out there would like to purchase a snug to wear in upcoming performances, you can preview the full line of BellaPamella wares at www.bellapamella.com.

PS: Great for dogs too!

Pre-Ramble: In a quick follow-on to my earlier iPhone post which dealt with the technology side of things, I feel it only fitting that I take a minute to provide some info on another form of ”software” - iPhone fashion. 

As with the plethora of add-on applications for the innards of the iPhone 3G, there are also apparently a number of unique ways to distinguish the exterior of the phone. I was blissfully unaware of this until it came time to work up a list of stocking-stuffers for my girls. When they suggested a new cover for their phone, I gave them the clueless, all-to-familiar, huh? Who knew? All this time I’ve been using a boring, naked phone. 

Customization is clearly the name of the game here; there are iPhone accessories designed to stick to it, dangle from it, or wrap around it.  Options for the look and feel of the phone run the gambit from basic to fanciful to absurd, both in terms of functionality, aesthetics and price. You’ve got your basic off-the-rack plastic case, sold in a variety of colors at the Apple Store or online for between $30 and $50. Then you have rows of stuff in the funky cart in the middle of the mall… Trust me, most of these are so poorly designed that they don’t even fit on a phone, let alone hold up to the kind of punishment that the average phone is subjected to (bottom of lockers, purses, floppy low-ride pockets, floors of cars…). Which brings us to the more intrepid, quasi-protective covers designed to resist all manner of trauma; these macho styles are made out of flexible neon rubber, carbon fiber, and tire-tread and come with enough straps and clips to ensure that your phone is going to stay well within shouting distance. 

As the mother of teenage girls, I am particularly keyed in on the variety of “runway” phone fashions - designer editions, the majority of which are very sparkly and very spendy. Hot brands including Hello Kitty, Juicy Couture, Louis Vuitton, and even Prada feature hand-stitched Italian leather, animal prints, and rhinestones, and can run anywhere from $50 to $20,000. (No. The answer is no. Because I said so.)

My favorites though, are the quirky, retro-esque cases created by the Narwhal Company. The quaint, impractical sleeping-bag style comes in a bunch of different fabrics, each reminiscent of an old necktie or something you’ve seen on HBO’s Mad Men. The juxtaposition of the no-tech Narwhal and the ultra-sleek iPhone is amusing, as is their, what I hope is tongue-in-cheek, marketing pitch:

You own the Holy Grail of modern consumer electronics – don’t let a mass-produced casing diminish its style. Our iPhone covers compliment the iPhone’s style with a unique pattern on the outside, and protect it from scratches and falls with a soft alpine fleece lining on the inside. The fit is snug enough to keep your iPhone safely inside the cover without being too tight to quickly remove it for an incoming call. Our iPhone covers are as unique as your phone conversations.

Sorry to be a buzz-kill, Narwhal:  The folks who buy the iPhone are heavy users. Fleece lining or no, the phone-cozy concept is not going to cut it with this crowd. For them, it’s all about access and response time. Even if they’re planning to ignore the message, no self-respecting teenager is going to use up valuable nanoseconds dumping their phone out of a sack to check an incoming text. Plus, like mice, where there’s one text message, there are thirty more.  A simple “conversation” conducted via text-message, even those involving a shockingly minimal number of characters, can string out over several hours, even days. The bottom line is, if the screen is blocked, the phone may as well be in a vault at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. 

The Take-Away: What more need be said? Who really needs a fancy phone cover when you never actually put the phone down? Wake me up when you’ve perfected the iPhone cover that my girls really want - the prosthetic device that literally becomes an extension of their arm.

Pre-Ramble: So, you get an invitation to an event and at the bottom below the RSVP in a tiny font is a line that says “Black tie optional” … What the heck does that mean?  Like “business casual,” these three words can strike fear into even the most hip of dressers. (The fact that I just used the word “hip” automatically disqualifies me from being that.)

If you’re an undertaker, James Bond, or hosting the Academy Awards, the black tie directive is pretty clear. Same goes for most wedding parties. In all other situations, the optional black tie designation is dicey. In this form of fashion Russian Roulette, chances are good that half the crowd will be over-dressed and half the crowd will be under-dressed.  Those folks who claim that it is better to be over-dressed than under-dressed never went to my cousin’s house for Thanksgiving. Every year we would show up in some form of holiday casual wear which, when you’re ten and it’s 1967, means a corduroy jumper, turtleneck, cable-knit tights and shoes with buckles. We would walk through that front door and every kid in the house had changed out of their “church clothes” hours ago and was rolling around on the floor in sweat pants and a t-shirt. 

According to wikipedia, a source widely known as an authority on fashion, an appropriate black tie ensemble can vary. In brief, the traditional components are:

• a short coat with silk facings (usually grosgrain or satin), also called the dinner jacket
• trousers with silk braids matching the lapels
• a black cummerbund or low-cut waistcoat
• a white dress shirt with either a stiff or pleated front
• black dress socks
• black shoes in patent or highly polished leather

Far beyond the confines of the requisite monkey suit, contemporary black tie outfits can incorporate many interesting variations including color-coordinated cummerbunds and ties, different colors and/or collars on shirts, or even different types of cut and materials. Elton John once performed in a tuxedo made entirely of feathers. 

If only it were that easy: Unfortunately, “black tie optional” is a thousand times more ominous for women. I’ll be the first one to jump at a chance to dress up for Halloween, but selecting appropriate formal wear is another matter entirely. The pitfall to dressing for special occasions is that there are so many ways that you can look wrong. Ellen DeGeneres is the only woman who can really pull off the “tuxedo look,” and the crisp-white-shirt-unbuttoned-down-to-there-with-black-pants-and-spike-heels option looks very sexy unless you’re sporting a pasty winter skin-tone and have little hope of rallying “the girls” into anything resembling cleavage. In a dress that’s too poufy, you look like you’re headed to the prom; too tight, you’re a hooker; in a more mature get-up, you’re mother-of-the-bride. Women have to consider length and neckline of dress, accessories, hair style, shoes, clutch and wrap; not to mention outdoor temperature, general terrain, duration of event, and whatever your escort will be wearing.

In her new book, The Little Black Book of Style, Nina Garcia, fashion editor at Elle Magazine and judge on the hit show Project Runway,  suggests that,

“Every time you dress, you assert some aspect of yourself and your identity. With style, you tell the world who you are, or at least the story of who you would like to be on that particular day.”

Great.  On this particular day in Minnesota it is nine degrees below zero - my polar fleece track suit and Uggs are telling the world that I don’t want to freeze my ass off in spaghetti straps or break an ankle careening around in some parking lot. Does Jimmy Choo have something in a strappy little snowshoe? I’m sure an ice ax won’t fit into my evening bag.

The Take-Away: Perhaps you can consider the “black tie optional” as another opportunity to step out of your comfort zone. Or, what the heck… wear whatever makes you feel fun, it’s usually dark anyway. Cheers to a happy, healthy and stylish New Year!

Post-note: Those of you living in the Arctic Circle who didn’t lose it all in the stock market might be interested in picking up one of these whimsical, uniquely-shaped evening bags fashioned from hand-glued Austrian crystals by designer, Judith Lieber.  The bag features a push down snap closure and detachable chain strap (looks like a rat-tail in photo at right). Comes beautifully boxed with a keepsake bag - $3,995.