Pre-Ramble:  Several of my semi-regular readers have asked if there was a way that I could let them know when I post a new blog, so they won’t miss it, or so they won’t spend valuable screen time checking in on my site every other minute to see if a new entry has been posted.

So, I asked my tech guy about it and he said, “Yep, there’s a way to do that.”

About three minutes later, he sent me an email that said, “Look in the upper left hand corner of your site and see if that is what you were thinking of.”

So, I looked at it, and sure ’nuff – that was it!

So, now … if you’d like a quick prompt to pop into your email to let you know when I’ve posted a new blog entry on the “K” site, just enter your email address into the handy space on the upper left side of the homepage screen that says, “Enter your email address” and then click on the “Subscribe” button below it.

Poof!  … News of a fresh “K” blog will enter your world whenever I post one on the site.

Hold your applause – I’d like to check and see whether this actually works and would very much appreciate it if a couple of you Beta Canaries-in-the-mineshaft could enter your email address as described above and let me know if the loop follows through. 

Please note: No one will ever see the email address that you enter (not even me – it’s just a relay mechanism); I will not sell any email address that is entered for this purpose on my site (can’t - I won’t know what they are); and entering your email address will not cause any form of additional spam to come into your inbox. You have my word on that.

The Take-Away:  So, now, due to modern technology, and my super techmeister, Clay – you will never miss a single “K” blog post.  All is right with the world!!

Pre-Ramble:  My kids are all over this Mother’s Day thing. They know just what I like – nothing too expensive or over the top, and preferably, something that they had a hand in making themselves.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the rake I got last year, we needed one and it has come in really handy. I also love flowers, of course … Mother Nature’s perfect blend of beautiful colors, shapes and scents, gathered in a bundle to look at in the house. I love all of that.

But, try as they might to identify and present the perfect gift, children have no way of knowing that they are able to surpass the surface value of that effort by one-thousand-million times just by being. 

This year, knowing that I am constantly struggling to keep up with the times, particularly in light of my deficit in tech-skills, my girls presented me with a cardboard cut-out of an Apple iPhone and my very first iTunes gift card… !  They told me that I could practice buying songs from the iTunes store for my iPod (a hand-me-down from my husband that I use when I go running), and if I had mastered that by the time my birthday rolled around this summer, I could graduate to my very own iPhone… just in time for 3.0! (My girls each have an iPhone and I accost them regularly with requests to check the day’s weather forecast, find directions to somewhere, or check out some other neat new app.)

While their gift might seem self-serving (I don’t know how to use the iTunes store, or my iPod, for that matter), it is actually their way of sharing a piece of themselves and of their lives that I could never buy in any store.  In sharing their experience as a member of the generation into which they were born (thank you very much), they are in essence, nudging me out to the edge of the nest … welcoming me into a piece of their world, and teaching me the secret handshake.  They know that I want to know how all of this works, I just need a little help. (Ok, a lot of help.)

The Take-Away:  The greatest gift we can ever receive as parents is the knowledge that, while our children no longer necessarily need us to be a part of their lives, they want us there.  I am the luckiest mother in the world.

Post-Note: I forgot to mention that a CD of hand-picked songs to play in my car was also part of this year’s Mother’s Day package.  This is particularly significant and meaningful because, along with the CD, they were able to show me where the CD player was in my new car.  

Seriously — I have been driving that thing for several months now and, for the life of me, was not able to find the damn CD player.  (And it wasn’t just me — the boys down at the dealership couldn’t find it either. In their defense, it was a used car and maybe they just weren’t familiar with this make and model … )

My daughters ushered me into the garage to sit in the car, pushed some random button, and like a scene out of the Transformers, whole chunks of the dashboard morphed around to reveal the elusive slot.  I almost cried.

Pre-Ramble:  When I got out of bed this morning the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and life was good. Little did I know that the power and reach of modern technology would be able to foul my day so swiftly and completely.

You’re probably thinking, “OH NO, Kath had another traumatic computer event … POOR THING, … third time in three years… she should just cash it in and take up knitting.”

Or maybe you’re thinking that another hideous photo of me has been tagged on Facebook. (This would be true, but isn’t the source of my woes this morning.)

Contrary to the massively unspectacular spread of  H1N1, you may be concerned that my system has contracted some sort of  debilitating virus … which, thankfully, is not the case.

No - it is far more insidious than any of those things …

… this morning I had an email message in my inbox from the Minnesota Golf Association (MGA) … giving me an update on MY CURRENT GOLF HANDICAP!

Thanks.  Thanks for that.  No amount of coffee can prepare a person for such a rude assault … and so early in the day.  This intrusion is clearly out of bounds.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the sport (and let me congratulate you on your ignorance), the golf handicap system was introduced by the USGA (United States Golf Association) in the early 20th Century.

With a handicapping system, a weaker player is given strokes on certain holes on a golf course. That is, on a particular hole, the weaker player may be allowed to “take a stroke,” i.e., deduct a stroke from his or her score for that hole.  At the end of the round, the two players of differing abilities can figure their “net score,” i.e., their gross minus the strokes they were allowed to take/deduct … A player’s official USGA Handicap Index is derived from a complicated formula that takes into account adjusted gross score, course rating and slope rating.

Simple.  And apparently, “once armed with a course handicap, a golfer is ready to play on an equal basis with any other golfer in the world.” (I’ll take that bet.)

The Take-Away: Look – I know that I am a bad golfer…  Anyone who has played with me knows that I am a bad golfer … Certainly, by the steady uptrend of the ridicules scores I have posted over the past couple of years, the folks at the MGA know that I am a bad golfer… So, do we really need to revisit that fact?  

I think what we have established here is that, not only is technology capable of pointing out (via some intra-meta-tech twist) that I am technologically challenged, but it also has the capacity to remind me, in an unnecessarily cruel random-hit form of technological water-boarding, that I am a severely challenged golfer as well. Perhaps, as with the technosphere, the Universe is suggesting that I should consider trading in the clubs for a set of knitting needles?

Post Note: I have news for both cyberspace and the MGA – I have already staked my claim in this realm, and have the hand-knit, two-inch wide scarf/jumprope to prove it.

Pre-Ramble: According to Wired Magazine’s Scott Brown, the dynamic of Internet communications is turning us into a virtual community of stand-up comedians. His premise is that when we communicate online, we’re all vying for the attention, approval and esteem of the vast “out-there,” and we use the elusive mechanism of humor to engage our audience. He describes the ”unleashed energies of millions of amateur comedians” in this way:

Thanks to the digital hive mind, comedy is colloquy, everything is material and life has become one big writer’s room … a massive clusterchuckle of witty oneupsmanship.

Beyond mere humor, Brown cites “insight” as the basic currency of the information economy. Here, unexpected and/or ironic combinations of current events, issues, ideas and images draw upon the elements of “memory, annotation, contrast and collage” to create a unique type of “resonant” communication. The goal is to wield a blend of one’s personal area(s) of expertise, creativity, and wordsmithing prowess to spark a new awareness, or even better, elicit a response from an audience.

You can’t execute a high-quality social media communication without being either outright funny, clever, snarky, cutesy, or over-the-top enthusiastic (extreme use of capital letters and exclamatory punctuation). Deep knowledge around a variety of obscure, random or very cool, people, events and factoids is imperative.

The new comedy-based standard also brings out our competitive edge. There is definitely a smack-down quality to the parry and thrust of internet banter … a combination wit-fest and blogslam. Listen for the virtual fist-pumps as millions of master-hipster-quippers hit the “send” button. 

Brown suggests that “funny” is becoming a language unto itself, the “lingua franca of the wired world.”  Huh?  See, right there, I just got nicked by an obscure, foreign-language-based quip — “lingua franca” sounds really cool, but I have no idea what means, so, I’ll have to take a quick click over to wikipedia to look the damn thing up… (Brown-1, Emmons-0)

The Take-Away: Wow, this is unfortunate — I have nothing clever, insightful or informative to offer here.

Post-Note:  In a nod to stupid pet tricks, a byproduct of the imperative to be entertaining is that stupidness has been elevated to an art form. Case in point, the Lolcat series. (“Lol” as in text-message speak for “laugh-out-loud,” and “cat” as in … well, cat …, the lethargic house-pet.) People upload pictures of cats doing things that cats do (like lying around, or walking on the backs of couches) accompanied with a headline or some kind of dialogue that enhances what the cat is doing or thinking. People take turns trying to come up with a clever headline or dialogue, and still others vote on which headline or dialogue is the best. While I have spent a good fifteen minutes on the site, as a devout cat-hater, I refuse to concede that this phenomenon is in any way funny.

If you want funny, go to YouTube and listen to the Dane Cook rif on Bees and Sharks:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AtP0ctTQY4… (Warning: look out for some foul language.)

Pre-Ramble: I’ve decided to start an occasional feature on my site called, “In their Own Words,” where I share some truism or particularly incredible turn of phrase.  Here is a notable observation by a guy named Chris Anderson on his website, The Long Tail, regarding emerging social networking forums:

… [while] Twitter and other microblogging [mechanisms can make] lifecasting and other status updating easier, for most people it still feels like another obligation, taking time to do well and causing guilt when neglected.

I could not agree more, but before I go into that, I need to mention here that I casually clicked the “about” button on Chris’ site to get a little background on who he is, what he does, etc.

Ok – Duh. Chris Anderson is the editor-in-chief of Wired Magazine. Wired Magazine! As in, the keys to the kingdom for tech-trend-savvy folks (or wannabes). Chris Anderson is the wizard of all things tech. To cite something that he has to say about the dynamics of social networking as meaningful, is like saying a ripped guy named Laird can surf. Cut to me showing up at Teahupo’o Reef in floaties and a nose plug. 

To his point: And, Chris is so right about the double bind of social networking. While it is amazing and empowering to be able to share random thoughts, photos and even video with potentially millions of people, attending to what is essentially a constant chorus of calls to come out and play can be a serious time-buster. Do I actually need to know that you just moved your dark load from the washer to the dryer? That you have a front-loader? That it was set on “fluff”? That a brown sock went missing?

Or worse – I’ve been “tagged,” obligating me to list the top 25 things that I would want to have with me on a desert island. Except, I can’t just rattle off any old response; the self-imposed standards of my inner perfectionist dictate that this list has to be not only carefully considered, it has to be witty, hip, entertaining and express my true inner self. Shit. That kind of deliberation can take the better part of an afternoon – if I’m lucky. So,… either I indulge the well-meaning friend who sent it… or, I blow it off and risk alienating my friend and coming across as a royal-stick-in-the-mud-buzz-kill in front of the whole Internet.

The Take-Away: Learning how to manage time and maximize effort in this new online world will take some doing. As with reality shows, shoe shopping, cocktails, and now Facebooking, Twittering and the like, we’ll need to master some degree of moderation. And, we’ll just have to face facts - when it comes time to head out to the desert island, some of us will be prepared, and some won’t.

Pre-Ramble: In a quick follow-on to my earlier iPhone post which dealt with the technology side of things, I feel it only fitting that I take a minute to provide some info on another form of ”software” - iPhone fashion. 

As with the plethora of add-on applications for the innards of the iPhone 3G, there are also apparently a number of unique ways to distinguish the exterior of the phone. I was blissfully unaware of this until it came time to work up a list of stocking-stuffers for my girls. When they suggested a new cover for their phone, I gave them the clueless, all-to-familiar, huh? Who knew? All this time I’ve been using a boring, naked phone. 

Customization is clearly the name of the game here; there are iPhone accessories designed to stick to it, dangle from it, or wrap around it.  Options for the look and feel of the phone run the gambit from basic to fanciful to absurd, both in terms of functionality, aesthetics and price. You’ve got your basic off-the-rack plastic case, sold in a variety of colors at the Apple Store or online for between $30 and $50. Then you have rows of stuff in the funky cart in the middle of the mall… Trust me, most of these are so poorly designed that they don’t even fit on a phone, let alone hold up to the kind of punishment that the average phone is subjected to (bottom of lockers, purses, floppy low-ride pockets, floors of cars…). Which brings us to the more intrepid, quasi-protective covers designed to resist all manner of trauma; these macho styles are made out of flexible neon rubber, carbon fiber, and tire-tread and come with enough straps and clips to ensure that your phone is going to stay well within shouting distance. 

As the mother of teenage girls, I am particularly keyed in on the variety of “runway” phone fashions - designer editions, the majority of which are very sparkly and very spendy. Hot brands including Hello Kitty, Juicy Couture, Louis Vuitton, and even Prada feature hand-stitched Italian leather, animal prints, and rhinestones, and can run anywhere from $50 to $20,000. (No. The answer is no. Because I said so.)

My favorites though, are the quirky, retro-esque cases created by the Narwhal Company. The quaint, impractical sleeping-bag style comes in a bunch of different fabrics, each reminiscent of an old necktie or something you’ve seen on HBO’s Mad Men. The juxtaposition of the no-tech Narwhal and the ultra-sleek iPhone is amusing, as is their, what I hope is tongue-in-cheek, marketing pitch:

You own the Holy Grail of modern consumer electronics – don’t let a mass-produced casing diminish its style. Our iPhone covers compliment the iPhone’s style with a unique pattern on the outside, and protect it from scratches and falls with a soft alpine fleece lining on the inside. The fit is snug enough to keep your iPhone safely inside the cover without being too tight to quickly remove it for an incoming call. Our iPhone covers are as unique as your phone conversations.

Sorry to be a buzz-kill, Narwhal:  The folks who buy the iPhone are heavy users. Fleece lining or no, the phone-cozy concept is not going to cut it with this crowd. For them, it’s all about access and response time. Even if they’re planning to ignore the message, no self-respecting teenager is going to use up valuable nanoseconds dumping their phone out of a sack to check an incoming text. Plus, like mice, where there’s one text message, there are thirty more.  A simple “conversation” conducted via text-message, even those involving a shockingly minimal number of characters, can string out over several hours, even days. The bottom line is, if the screen is blocked, the phone may as well be in a vault at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. 

The Take-Away: What more need be said? Who really needs a fancy phone cover when you never actually put the phone down? Wake me up when you’ve perfected the iPhone cover that my girls really want - the prosthetic device that literally becomes an extension of their arm.

Pre-Ramble:  I pretty much thought I was Queen-of-all-things-technology until yesterday…

Despite what my web guy thinks, I can be technologically capable, if not downright astute. I know this because:

• I have had a cell phone for several years and am able to make and receive calls;
• I use my computer on a daily basis with only the occasional mishap (Agent James behind the Geek Squad desk at Best Buy told me that it wasn’t my fault that my hard drive crashed twice in two years);  
• I am regularly able to get most of the photos out of my digital camera;
• I am hearing that pissy “recalculating” command far less frequently from my GPS genie;
• I don’t have an ipod or an e-book yet, but I can pick them out of a line-up;
• I am aware that the proper terminology for prerecorded music is no longer “record, LP, 8-track, or cassette, and have stopped referring to at-home movies as “videos;”
• I have my own Facebook page (admitedly sparse, but it’s there);
• I have a Linked-In page (also woefully under-managed);
• I am able to summon neat videos on YouTube (love “Where the hell is Matt?”);
• I’ve bought stuff on ebay;
• it’s a rare day when I haven’t googled something; 
• I can hang-ten on the Internet without getting wet;
• I have my own website and what I am calling a blog.  

These are all tech-worthy things that I was feeling good about until I sat down to dinner with my kids.

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto … So, we were enjoying a respectable version of homemade pizza, when that unmistakable humming sound emanated from the other side of the room. We have a rule about taking calls or text messages during “forced family time” and, while I know it’s killing them, my kids are pretty good about it. Instead of actually taking the call, we engage in the equally intrusive behavior of looking over at the jittering device to ponder the source and reason for the call. It was at this point that our conversation turned to ”apps” and the entire room began to spin. 

OMG: Do you have any idea how much technical capability is crammed into these new small hand-held units?! My teenagers basically have 24/7 access to the contents of the entire World Wide Web including songs, photos, movies, encyclopedias, games, directories, social networks, up-to-the-minute-news-feeds, weather, navigation technology, and all manner of other random crap in the palm of their hand – literally. I hope you’re sitting down, in fact, you might want to remove your bifocals and breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes because this is mind-blowing stuff.

For the cost of one dollar or less, the casual iPhone user can download/upload (?) (magically transport something through thin air into your phone) what are called “applications” (add-on stuff that you didn’t know you needed when you bought your phone). According to tech blogmaster, Josh Catone, over 10,000 applications are currently available for the Apple iPhone.  A survey of users found that 93 percent have added at least one application, and that 45 percent have added more than eleven. Apparently, some app developers are pulling in over $5,000 per week and analysts predict that the aptly named Apple App Store will be a billion dollar business by next year. Before I scrap this blogging nonsense and start writing iPhone apps, let me share a few of my favorites:

• running stats – take your phone on a workout to monitor running route, mileage, terrain, time, and calories burned
• movie info - based on your location (GPS), it can show you nearby theaters, listings, times, directions, and THE MOVIE TRAILERS!
• “bubble wrap” - screen fills with what looks like bubble wrap packing material; gamer tries to “pop”/touch as many bubble-spaces as they can in 30 seconds (includes annoying popping sounds). I have witnessed three teenage girls do this for over 45 minutes straight.
• “flipping coin” – if you’re in charge of the coin toss at the Super Bowl, you’ll want this app – a video of an actual size U.S. quarter spinning over and over until it randomly stops on heads or tails.
• “easy relax” – perfect for our stressed out teens (see bubble-wrap game above), relaxing sounds invite listener to fall asleep to a warm campfire, Hawaiian ocean sounds, birds twittering in the jungle, or a gentle rain (actually sounds more like someone urinating in a port-a-potty)
• “whoopie cushion” – yup, just what it sounds like… can be activated without actually sitting on the phone.
• “Zippo lighter” – remember in the olden days when we used to wave lighter-flames over our heads at concerts to insight an encore? … then it became the light from open cell-phones? … Now, tech-savvy concertgoers can wave an iPhone screen of a flickering Zippo lighter video…
• “mosquito tone” (Caution: this is where you are going to feel OLD) - Ideally suited to multi-generational, summer, outdoor gatherings in Minnesota, this app puts out a pulsing, high-pitched tone that repels mosquitos and teenagers - AND CANNOT BE HEARD BY PEOPLE OVER AGE 25. I swear to you on a stack of Depends, when this sound occurs, my daughters will cover their ears and dive for the nearest fox hole and I can’t hear a thing – nada, nothing, zip. Seriously. Invented by Howard Stapleton in 2005, the controversial “Mosquito” is an ultrasonic sound typically inaudible to people over 25 years of age (the ability to hear high frequencies deteriorates over the human lifespan). When tested, the ultra-high-frequency tone successfully disbursed a crowd of unruly teenagers loitering near a grocery store in South Wales.
• “poison pill” (my personal favorite) – if the unthinkable happens and your iPhone becomes lost, (for some, the technological equivalent of losing a limb) you can send it an email from a remote location which will essentially wipe out all of the information contained in it’s memory banks while you drive away in the Auston Martin DB III.

The Take-Away: Clearly, an era of unprecedented change is upon us and we “late adopters” need to stick together and keep our ears to the ground. Please feel free to share your favorite app(s), tech-enlightenment moments, etc.  And, if anybody can explain the difference between “upload” and “download” I would be very appreciative.