Pre-Ramble: In a quick follow-on to my earlier iPhone post which dealt with the technology side of things, I feel it only fitting that I take a minute to provide some info on another form of ”software” - iPhone fashion. 

As with the plethora of add-on applications for the innards of the iPhone 3G, there are also apparently a number of unique ways to distinguish the exterior of the phone. I was blissfully unaware of this until it came time to work up a list of stocking-stuffers for my girls. When they suggested a new cover for their phone, I gave them the clueless, all-to-familiar, huh? Who knew? All this time I’ve been using a boring, naked phone. 

Customization is clearly the name of the game here; there are iPhone accessories designed to stick to it, dangle from it, or wrap around it.  Options for the look and feel of the phone run the gambit from basic to fanciful to absurd, both in terms of functionality, aesthetics and price. You’ve got your basic off-the-rack plastic case, sold in a variety of colors at the Apple Store or online for between $30 and $50. Then you have rows of stuff in the funky cart in the middle of the mall… Trust me, most of these are so poorly designed that they don’t even fit on a phone, let alone hold up to the kind of punishment that the average phone is subjected to (bottom of lockers, purses, floppy low-ride pockets, floors of cars…). Which brings us to the more intrepid, quasi-protective covers designed to resist all manner of trauma; these macho styles are made out of flexible neon rubber, carbon fiber, and tire-tread and come with enough straps and clips to ensure that your phone is going to stay well within shouting distance. 

As the mother of teenage girls, I am particularly keyed in on the variety of “runway” phone fashions - designer editions, the majority of which are very sparkly and very spendy. Hot brands including Hello Kitty, Juicy Couture, Louis Vuitton, and even Prada feature hand-stitched Italian leather, animal prints, and rhinestones, and can run anywhere from $50 to $20,000. (No. The answer is no. Because I said so.)

My favorites though, are the quirky, retro-esque cases created by the Narwhal Company. The quaint, impractical sleeping-bag style comes in a bunch of different fabrics, each reminiscent of an old necktie or something you’ve seen on HBO’s Mad Men. The juxtaposition of the no-tech Narwhal and the ultra-sleek iPhone is amusing, as is their, what I hope is tongue-in-cheek, marketing pitch:

You own the Holy Grail of modern consumer electronics – don’t let a mass-produced casing diminish its style. Our iPhone covers compliment the iPhone’s style with a unique pattern on the outside, and protect it from scratches and falls with a soft alpine fleece lining on the inside. The fit is snug enough to keep your iPhone safely inside the cover without being too tight to quickly remove it for an incoming call. Our iPhone covers are as unique as your phone conversations.

Sorry to be a buzz-kill, Narwhal:  The folks who buy the iPhone are heavy users. Fleece lining or no, the phone-cozy concept is not going to cut it with this crowd. For them, it’s all about access and response time. Even if they’re planning to ignore the message, no self-respecting teenager is going to use up valuable nanoseconds dumping their phone out of a sack to check an incoming text. Plus, like mice, where there’s one text message, there are thirty more.  A simple “conversation” conducted via text-message, even those involving a shockingly minimal number of characters, can string out over several hours, even days. The bottom line is, if the screen is blocked, the phone may as well be in a vault at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. 

The Take-Away: What more need be said? Who really needs a fancy phone cover when you never actually put the phone down? Wake me up when you’ve perfected the iPhone cover that my girls really want - the prosthetic device that literally becomes an extension of their arm.

Pre-Ramble:  I pretty much thought I was Queen-of-all-things-technology until yesterday…

Despite what my web guy thinks, I can be technologically capable, if not downright astute. I know this because:

• I have had a cell phone for several years and am able to make and receive calls;
• I use my computer on a daily basis with only the occasional mishap (Agent James behind the Geek Squad desk at Best Buy told me that it wasn’t my fault that my hard drive crashed twice in two years);  
• I am regularly able to get most of the photos out of my digital camera;
• I am hearing that pissy “recalculating” command far less frequently from my GPS genie;
• I don’t have an ipod or an e-book yet, but I can pick them out of a line-up;
• I am aware that the proper terminology for prerecorded music is no longer “record, LP, 8-track, or cassette, and have stopped referring to at-home movies as “videos;”
• I have my own Facebook page (admitedly sparse, but it’s there);
• I have a Linked-In page (also woefully under-managed);
• I am able to summon neat videos on YouTube (love “Where the hell is Matt?”);
• I’ve bought stuff on ebay;
• it’s a rare day when I haven’t googled something; 
• I can hang-ten on the Internet without getting wet;
• I have my own website and what I am calling a blog.  

These are all tech-worthy things that I was feeling good about until I sat down to dinner with my kids.

We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto … So, we were enjoying a respectable version of homemade pizza, when that unmistakable humming sound emanated from the other side of the room. We have a rule about taking calls or text messages during “forced family time” and, while I know it’s killing them, my kids are pretty good about it. Instead of actually taking the call, we engage in the equally intrusive behavior of looking over at the jittering device to ponder the source and reason for the call. It was at this point that our conversation turned to ”apps” and the entire room began to spin. 

OMG: Do you have any idea how much technical capability is crammed into these new small hand-held units?! My teenagers basically have 24/7 access to the contents of the entire World Wide Web including songs, photos, movies, encyclopedias, games, directories, social networks, up-to-the-minute-news-feeds, weather, navigation technology, and all manner of other random crap in the palm of their hand – literally. I hope you’re sitting down, in fact, you might want to remove your bifocals and breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes because this is mind-blowing stuff.

For the cost of one dollar or less, the casual iPhone user can download/upload (?) (magically transport something through thin air into your phone) what are called “applications” (add-on stuff that you didn’t know you needed when you bought your phone). According to tech blogmaster, Josh Catone, over 10,000 applications are currently available for the Apple iPhone.  A survey of users found that 93 percent have added at least one application, and that 45 percent have added more than eleven. Apparently, some app developers are pulling in over $5,000 per week and analysts predict that the aptly named Apple App Store will be a billion dollar business by next year. Before I scrap this blogging nonsense and start writing iPhone apps, let me share a few of my favorites:

• running stats – take your phone on a workout to monitor running route, mileage, terrain, time, and calories burned
• movie info - based on your location (GPS), it can show you nearby theaters, listings, times, directions, and THE MOVIE TRAILERS!
• “bubble wrap” - screen fills with what looks like bubble wrap packing material; gamer tries to “pop”/touch as many bubble-spaces as they can in 30 seconds (includes annoying popping sounds). I have witnessed three teenage girls do this for over 45 minutes straight.
• “flipping coin” – if you’re in charge of the coin toss at the Super Bowl, you’ll want this app – a video of an actual size U.S. quarter spinning over and over until it randomly stops on heads or tails.
• “easy relax” – perfect for our stressed out teens (see bubble-wrap game above), relaxing sounds invite listener to fall asleep to a warm campfire, Hawaiian ocean sounds, birds twittering in the jungle, or a gentle rain (actually sounds more like someone urinating in a port-a-potty)
• “whoopie cushion” – yup, just what it sounds like… can be activated without actually sitting on the phone.
• “Zippo lighter” – remember in the olden days when we used to wave lighter-flames over our heads at concerts to insight an encore? … then it became the light from open cell-phones? … Now, tech-savvy concertgoers can wave an iPhone screen of a flickering Zippo lighter video…
• “mosquito tone” (Caution: this is where you are going to feel OLD) - Ideally suited to multi-generational, summer, outdoor gatherings in Minnesota, this app puts out a pulsing, high-pitched tone that repels mosquitos and teenagers - AND CANNOT BE HEARD BY PEOPLE OVER AGE 25. I swear to you on a stack of Depends, when this sound occurs, my daughters will cover their ears and dive for the nearest fox hole and I can’t hear a thing – nada, nothing, zip. Seriously. Invented by Howard Stapleton in 2005, the controversial “Mosquito” is an ultrasonic sound typically inaudible to people over 25 years of age (the ability to hear high frequencies deteriorates over the human lifespan). When tested, the ultra-high-frequency tone successfully disbursed a crowd of unruly teenagers loitering near a grocery store in South Wales.
• “poison pill” (my personal favorite) – if the unthinkable happens and your iPhone becomes lost, (for some, the technological equivalent of losing a limb) you can send it an email from a remote location which will essentially wipe out all of the information contained in it’s memory banks while you drive away in the Auston Martin DB III.

The Take-Away: Clearly, an era of unprecedented change is upon us and we “late adopters” need to stick together and keep our ears to the ground. Please feel free to share your favorite app(s), tech-enlightenment moments, etc.  And, if anybody can explain the difference between “upload” and “download” I would be very appreciative.