Pre-Ramble:  In another place in time that missive might have been directed at a carefree young child while strolling through a sunny pond-side park somewhere.  But actually, it was me chastising myself for kicking what I realized too late was not a small round rock in the center of our driveway.

Crap. Literally. All over the toe of my favorite Donald Pliner black microfiber wedge. Ordinarily, I would have been way more enraged by this … (I have a hot streak that doesn’t suffer foibles lightly), but I was far too distracted by a rabbit hole to engage with the goose poop in any meaningful way.

What started this jag is what always happens … I read a dangerously interesting article in one of my known vices – the NY Times, WSJ, Vanity Fair or a random snippet in the margins of some newsfeed, and before you know it, I’m careening down a slippery slope of anxiety-fed adrenalin.

It happens in bookstores too.  Surrounded by all of those thought-provoking perspectives and images, … it’s like I just want to HAVE IT ALL, … instantaneously, … in my head to keep and use and know.  And yet, at that exact moment, the idea of actually reading any of it is overwhelmingly exhausting.

Well, so, anyway, today I was working through a stack of newspapers when I came across a story about mommy-bloggers.  You know, those newly minted stay-at-home mothers who have so much frantically idling intellect that they sit in their kitchens, children at their feet, singlehandedly spinning day-to-day experiences into a living and breathing online entity. Turns out there are a whole bunch of them out there — it’s a virtual community. 

While I might spoof on these women at times, the truth is, I am secretly envious of them.  I covet the opportunity that they have to observe, ponder and preserve that particular time in their lives, both for themselves and for their children. I also covet the cutting-edge legitimacy that they have established for themselves, a place where they can actively participate in a greater social context while still standing front and center to raise their children. They get to publically indulge and leverage the motherhood experience in a way that was never available to my generation of moms … (or if it was, I was never aware of it).

Unlike many in my generation, these gals don’t appear to be conflicted about their stay-at-home status in the least. In fact, they’re in your face with it.  Beyond a quick soccer-mom chat over the back fence, mommy-bloggers are able to reach out and exchange their thoughts and ideas with people all over the world. Theirs is a unique and global clique built around the shared experiences of sleepless nights, strained organic peaches, and favorite plug-ins. They have catchy taglines and logos, … elaborate mastheads and Fan Pages, … they use cool Twitter-speak and worship their webmasters, … They are simultaneously “out there in it” AND at home doing the warm-cookies-and-milk-after-school thing. It’s awesome.

The Take-Away: Alas, have I come to the party too late?  My fabulous children are grown and nearly gone.  All of those cherished child-rearing moments have gone by — un-blogged.  … While I am no longer compelled to cry over spilled milk, I can still raise a sippy cup to the awesome mommy-bloggers out there and let them know that if they need any child-rearing advice, (… “Don’t kick goose poop in your good shoes …” ), I hope they know where they can find me.

Pre-Ramble: If there are two things that deserve our attention as we head into 2010, it’s neuroscience and cake mix. I’m talking about recent scientific breakthroughs as they relate to middle-aged mind power and the astounding news that General Mills’ Betty Crocker has 50,000 fans on Facebook.

Brain science first — According to NY Times health editor Barbara Strauch, many long held views around the decline of the aging human brain have been reconsidered.  The propensity to forget names and be easily distracted from tasks has now been reframed to suggest that … (what was I talking about? … )

“… What is stuffed into your head may not have vanished, but has simply been squirreled away in the folds of your neurons.” 

I’ll own that I have gotten more squirrely with age, but I’m pretty sure my neurons are more rumpled than folded.  New research claims that brains, with just a little strategic maintenance, continue to develop through and well beyond middle age.  The trick is to “keep brain connections in good shape and to grow more of them.” Probably easier said than done. Apparently, every moment that passes unawares is an opportunity lost toward building and maintaining precious neural pathways. It’s a wonder more of us aren’t wandering the halls of the care center with drool on our cardigans.

It seems that, as adults, we have developed a series of well-worn pathways among the connectors/synapses in our brains. Dr. Kathleen Taylor, professor at St. Mary’s College of California suggests that these synapses should be “jiggled a bit” by confronting people, situations and ideas that are contrary to one’s usual fare.  We need to ”crack the cognitive egg and scramble it up” in order to create what Jack Mezirow, professor emeritus at Columbia Teachers College, calls a “disorienting dilemma” … a situation or phenomenon that causes one to “critically reflect on the assumptions they’ve acquired.” 

Snappy synapses – Well, if that’s the way this works, I must have the healthiest neural pathways in the Universe. Since the dawn of the digital age, I have been subjected to a daily assortment of “disorienting dilemmas” … word processing, email, instant messaging, texting, skyping, podcasts, paypal, google groups … and the barrage of confounding technological developments doesn’t show any signs of letting up. Social media of every ilk is clamoring for attention … Facebook, LinkedIn, … apps for this and apps for that … and the scariest thing with the cutest name – Twitter. Everybody is going on about how Twitter is revolutionizing the world, and if a guy wants to even try to keep up with society they should start sending uber-witty Tweets to a whole bunch of people ASAP. 

If she can do it …  Cut to Golden Valley, Minnesota where traditional marketing methods at the Betty Crocker test kitchens have given way to aggressive forays into the land of social media. Forget bake-offs and box tops … old-school Betty Crocker has a thriving Facebook page and an iPhone app that lets users check recipes and kibitz with top chef experts. 

… Betty Crocker!?!  No stagnant synapses there!  The perky gal in the apron has been operating on the cutting edge of technology since 1926 when her radio debut signaled the nation’s first cooking show. (The broadcast featured thirteen different actresses working from radio stations across the country and ran for twenty-four years.)

The Take-Away:  Heck! If she can do it, … I can do it!  Betty is keeping her synapses sharp by staying on top of new media trends. We can all take a page out of her book on that!

Post-Note:  Ok, so even though I am clinging to the outer edges of the technological footprint that God intended for me, maybe it wouldn’t kill me to tweak my tech-neurons a little bit more.  Setting up a Twitter account is probably pretty straightforward. I’m even thinking that crafting messages made up of no more than 140 characters could be considered fun …  … I guess the real dilemma is convincing myself that:

a) I have the time and inclination to stop what I’m doing several times a day to send out a pithy communique; and

b) I have the kind of noteworthy swagger that merits mass communication.  (Who besides Ashton Kutcher does really?) 

Am I ready to be tethered to a constant technology-based duty that is fraught with outside expectations?  (I will be the first to admit that I hid, sabotaged or otherwise destroyed my kids’ Tamagotchi nano-pets back in the mid-90′s.)  … Hmmmm …… maybe I’ll just have another piece of super-moist chocolate cake and ponder that.

Pre-Ramble: Every couple of days or so, I come across a piece of writing that is so poetic, insightful and clever that I wish I had written it. 

It’s usually something by James Wolcott in Vanity Fair, or Martha Beck in O Magazine, or anything in The New York Times Sunday Magazine.

Interestingly, at least to a wordsmithing wannabe like me, some of the funniest, or I should say “punniest” turns of phrase show up in the Wall Street Journal. Front page headlines, even those heralding weightly matters, are regularly laced with double entendre.  And now that the Journal has a sports page, they have virtually run amuck.

Take an article in Monday’s sports section about the controversy surrounding the decision made by the Federation Internationale de Natation (FINA), the governing body of competitive swimming, to ban “performance enhancing suits” (PES) or “supersuits” the fabric and fit of which “can improve speed, buoyancy and endurance.”

Now, I’m not a big swimmer. In fact, I don’t really care for swimming. … Ok, I loathe swimming … I don’t even like to get wet. That isn’t to say that I wouldn’t like swimming more if I could wear one of these sleek, spandex, full-length suits, especially if they come with a built-in control panel in the ab flab zone and can net me a couple of gold medals.

Anyway, this supersuit article (by Allen Barra) was just dripping with water puns, four of which I must share with you now:

From now on, FINA has dictated, swimmers will sink or swim in suits made of traditional textiles.”

The prohibition doesn’t take effect until January 1, 2010, but it’s already created ripples in the swim world.”

Sports purists counter that such arguments don’t hold water.”

[Even] for those of us with kids who don’t dream of Olympic medals, the FINA decision will have a trickle-down effect.”

The Take-Away:  Allen, I am not worthy. Even if I were to plumb the depths of my vocabulary, I wouldn’t be able to match the superior caliber of style, finesse and punsterismness that you demonstrate in your work.  

Post-Note:  It might be a stretch … and I might be in over my head here, but I’m not going to let the fact that I’m still wet behind the ears when it comes to writing dampen my enthusiasm.  Just because I’m an amateur doesn’t mean I can’t float the occasional bad pun or flip remark. (My only regret here is that I wasn’t able to work in the word “hosed.”)

Pre-Ramble:  Look out! As of yesterday afternoon, I am the proud owner and captain of my very own iPhone 3GS.  That’s right, mild-mannered, tech-challenged me is packing “the fastest most powerful iPhone yet”…  … featuring up to 32 gigabytes of storage, voice control, video recording, cut and paste functions, and a bunch of other cool stuff that I don’t even understand. 

Apparently, I now carry the technological equivalent of NASA, a Swiss army knife, and a concierge right here in my purse.  This multi-functional object works as a cell phone, text-messaging center, email access, Internet hook-up, gaming arcade, jukebox, restaurant guide, movie camera (and editing table), calendar, to-do list, directional compass, GPS unit, and ”virtual” coin flipper… it even has a backyard bird guide!  How on earth did I get through a day without this thing?   

As is the case with most every product released by Apple, the iPhone 3GS is as close to design perfection as you can get. Its sleek, curved styling and clean simple functionality are a wonder to behold, and the crisp, brightly lit icon buttons communicate so well that even the most tech-unworthy among us can summon up the intuitive gumption to grasp their meaning. 

Apple has elevated the shopping experience around its products to an art form.  The classy glass entryway and underground orientation of its premiere NYC location (shown above) evoke I.M. Pei’s Louvre Museum in Paris. Even at our local mall here in Minnesota, the Apple store has a unique and exciting atmosphere. You walk into the stark, but bustling, white, bleached-wood gallery/playground environment and are immediately greeted by the first tier of the Apple staff hierarchy, a chipper team of ”associates” in orange t-shirts. Once the assessment has been made as to the objective of your visit, you are upgraded to an associate in a blue t-shirt. (Our’s was named Drew.)

The tech-wizard will see you now … The guys (and gals) in the blue shirts (the tech-hip equivalent of a starched white lab coat), are young, friendly, laid-back and highly knowledgeable around all things tech. Techiness reeks out of their  pores. They have official ID badges on lanyards; two-way transmission ear buds; and wifi, pocket-rocket cash registers strapped to their belts. These combination brand evangelist, nurse practitioner, tech-wizards, flawlessly walk you through the pertinent points of their presentation, citing competitive advantages and nifty features, and emitting invisible rays of wisdom so deep they must be all but able to divine your most hidden thoughts. The overarching vibe we got from Drew was, ”you’re safe, you’re in good hands, it’s cool, and it’s all good.”

So, you decide on the couple of options available on the unit — amount of memory (16 or 32 gigabytes … apparently both are beyond a TON of storage capacity … my sales associate confided that even he, in all his uber-techiness, had trouble filling up the 16GB unit) and color (black or white … black seemed the way to go), and then you head over to the accessories wall … some particulars:

• While the unit comes with a charging cable and headset, you need some way to recharge it on the road.  The Griffin “PowerJolt” seems to fit the bill (we’ll see … my newbie phone still has it’s original charge). 
• An anti-glare film protector is also a must, to ward off 99% of the scratches, dust, dirt, smudges and fingerprints that could mar your pristine and inherently fragile touch screen. Comes in a two-pack.
• You also definitely want a cover – something grippy and bouncy, so when you drop the thing, it has some kind of chance at survival. My daughters recommend the “incase” brand slider case … pliable enough to hug the phone, but firm enough to retain it’s shape (some of the cases made out of the more “rubbery” materials will actually stretch out over time, becoming baggy and flopping off the edge of the phone … not good — too easy to bobble the unit).

So, there you are. A few clicks on the remote cash register, the grand swipe of the credit card, and you’re good to go!  I hope this has been a useful and informative play-by-play on the iPhone 3GS purchase process. Stay tuned for future posts on user-interface pointers, foibles, etc. …

The Take-Away: By far, the best part about the whole iPhone 3GS scenario was the tech-envy incited by my new toy in my beloved teenage children. I swear, I was floating a few gigameters off the floor as we left the mall, while my daughter trudged along, shaking her head all, “Mom, you have no idea how much stuff that thing can do …” as though I were some 95-year-old granny crawling out of the parking lot in a spanking new Maserati Granturismo S.  

… SO, WE’RE EVEN — beauty is wasted on youth, and cutting-edge technology is wasted on us old farts!

Post-Note:  Thanks Drew — great job – I’m off to leap tall buildings! … And, as I mentioned on the sales floor, should I have any little questions or issues, I’ll be sure to text you.

Pre-Ramble:  So, the miracles of modern marketing strategy aren’t always as miraculous – or as accurate — as we might hope. I’m thinking that perhaps our class action fears around stuff like Homeland Security, Big Brother, Google, and tracking cookies are unfounded. 

Just the other day I received an email from my BFF Amazon.com letting me in on a bunch of products that it was sure, in its omniscient e-wisdom, I’d be interested in.

When it comes to books, my buddies at Amazon are, more often than not, able to gather up a handful of titles that are vaguely relevant to items that I have purchased from them in the past. I don’t mind that. In fact, I have often responded to their suggestions with a spontaneous click to the Quik Checkout button. 

The other day however, it presented a collection of goods that were so off-base, it was laughable. 

Dear Amazon.com Customer — As someone who has shown an interest in cooking and home products, you might like to know about our Summer Sale on over 400 products … blah … blah …”

Among the array of ”cooking and home products” that had been assembled for my consideration were: the George Foreman 360 Grill, complete with 5 interchangeable grill plates; the Shun steel angled 6-inch utility knife; and the Rachel Ray 10-piece anodized cookware set in orange.  All of this would have been great, except that the item which I had ordered from Amazon that in all likelihood had triggered this series of cutting edge marketing communications was The Twinkies Cookbook (2006).

I know what you’re thinking — cooking at its finest, right?  And if the brightly colored Hostess logo on the cover doesn’t sell you, the cadre of gourmet recipes and user testimonials inside will have you scrambling for your PayPal password. As you can imagine, I had some real trouble trying to decide which delectable concoction I would like to make first.

• Twinkie Petits Fours – “I created this recipe in honor of my dad, using his favorite treats — Twinkies and chocolate. They are so good, and no one believes me when I tell them what they are.”  Barb C. from Bakersfield, CA … (I know I’d be incredulous.)
• Twinkie Sushi – “It’s nice to serve Twinkie Sushi at a dinner party on a Japanese tray with chopsticks. Your guests will laugh while they enjoy a refreshing fruity dessert at the same time.” Clare C. Baton Rouge, LA … ( Can’t you just hear the guests chuckling now?)
• Twinkie Smoothie – “This Hostess original recipe was created to commemorate Twinkies’ 75th anniversary. It’s best served parlor style with two straws!”  ( A good beverage is all about texture.)
• Twinkie Kebabs – “This was a spur-of-the-moment idea. I had leftover fruit, but not enough Twinkies to give each of the gals at my candle-making party her own. This recipe saved the day!” Dianne M. from Lakemoor, IL … (PHEW – disaster averted, Dianne!!)
• Twinkie Shortcake – “When my sister-in-law made this recipe for a family dinner, everyone thought she had worked her tail off in the kitchen. She shared the secret of this quick and easy dessert with only the women. Now it’s become our inside joke when we make it — the men think we’ve slaved away for them.” Debbie J. from Saint Augustine, FL … (Wink, wink … I know my stupid husband wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between traditional strawberry shortcake and a pile of cut up Twinkies covered in Cool Whip…)
• Twinkie Tunnel Bundt Cake – “I make this cake for special occasions and when company is coming. People love the surprise of finding the Twinkies hidden inside the chocolate cake!” Darlene C. from Piper Cove, MN … (A delightful “Gotcha!” moment to be sure … And, the Bundt pan itself was invented in Minnesota too!)

The Take-Away: I thought that ”Twinkie Cookbook” was an oxymoron.  Clearly not. In cyberspace, fashioning quasi-edible food matter into faux-food formats is considered cooking. Who knew?  Well, … until the next edition comes out, I’ll be out back grilling up some consumables on the George Foreman.

Pre-Ramble: One of my favorite friends is a jewelry designer. She has her own little business — if you can call that work. She gets to play with rare and sparkly gemstones all day. She has a brown leather briefcase that she carries around and it’s filled with all kinds of exquisite stuff.

Anyway, every year she goes to Las Vegas to a giant jewelry trade show… Christmas in May, really. Vendors from all over the world bring their jewels to trade and sell. This year she said that vendors were very conscious of the strained economic scenario, and had a much less stringent set of conditions around sales. She also said that this year, everywhere she turned, people were selling estate jewelry (code for used jewelry, often from people who are deceased) — specifically tiaras.

Tiaras?

Suffice it to say that, up until that point, the notion of owning a tiara, possibly more than one, was completely foreign to me. Beyond princesses, beauty queens, brides and four-year-olds, who actually wears tiaras? (And, I am rather stunned that I was able to come up with four categories of people just then, who would look totally normal in a tiara.)

According to renowned jewelry authority, Diana Scarisbrick,

“The tiara is the hallmark of grace and distinction worn for centuries by nobility and high society and favored by movie stars and modern brides.” 

Ms. Scarisbrick has written a book that “traces the history and social context of tiaras, as well as the fascinating succession of owners of some especially remarkable [pieces] … showcasing an astonishing range of styles, shapes and configurations … and celebrating the artistry, glamour and romantic mystique of these exquisite objects.”

(Of course, if you google “tiara” you can also find a link to, “Tiara Town … your one-stop tiara paradise.”) It is also interesting to note that superheroine, Wonder Woman is often depicted wearing a tiara, and hers can be “used as a weapon.”

Ok – so let’s say I take the kid’s college fund to Vegas and splurge on my very own tiara. And, since I’m basically a thrifty type, let’s say it’s a used pre-owned vintage tiara.  How much am I spending on this thing?  What is the resale on a gently used tiara? I guess it depends on what kind of materials it is made of, the quality and condition of the stones, and whether or not it was formerly owned by somebody really cool, like Audrey Hepburn, The Queen Mother, or Dame Edna.

So, let’s say I get the tiara, and, like my first pair of red patent-leather shoes, I insist on wearing it home. Nobody notices in Vegas, it turns a few heads on the plane, and by the time the wheels hit the tarmac in the Twin Cities I feel like a complete freak. The tiara is probably not going to fly in Minnesota, home of the warm hot dish and sensible shoes — a blingy headband, maybe, but not a tiny bedazzled crown.

Think about it… Where am I wearing the tiara besides in my office? … Walking the dog? … Grocery shopping? … On the golf course? … To book club? … “Oh Kathie, is that a new tiara? … “  … I suppose it would work on New Year’s Eve or Halloween, or the next time I go to a coronation. If you know me, you know that I am generally pretty conservative when it comes to fashion. Can a tiara be worn with a turtleneck?

The Take-Away:  A quick consult with Nina Garcia’s “Little Black Book of Fashion” confirms my assumption that the tiara is not quite mainstream. However, while she makes no mention of the bejeweled headpiece specifically, there are plenty of guidelines around fashionable presentation. I think I have found a suitable tiara loophole on page 142, where Nina sums it all up by saying:

I have spent a good many seasons watching fashion trends come and go, style myths created and dismantled, hemlines rise and fall. The one solid piece of advice I have to offer is: don’t take it all too seriously… because, in the end you are the only judge that really matters. … Style is a matter of finding out who you are and who you want to be in the world. I hope you choose to be fabulous, daring, fun, inspired, and yourself.”

Clearly, what she means here is, “Go ahead — wear the tiara!”

Pre-Ramble:  Hi, it’s me, Daisy – I’ll be your esteemed guest-blogger for today.  Actually, Mom begged me to write the blog because she was all in a panic since it was Monday morning and the blog muse hadn’t kicked in yet. I could tell by the way she was whining and clawing at the refrigerator that things were going to be coming my way. (She always sticks me with the blog when she doesn’t know what to write about.)

To make matters worse, she had just read an article in the New York Times Sunday Magazine (“Say What?” by Rob Walker, 5/31/09, p. 30) about the plethora of opportunities and technological tools available to the individual for expressing themselves to a World-Wide-audience.  The article also eluded to the associated expectation that bloggers will not only have something to say, but that it will be interesting, entertaining and meaningful, and that fresh insights will be shared with alarming frequency. 

… blogs have evolved from something to be updated on occasion to being updated daily, then many times a day, and now social media invites updates hourly, or constantly.” 

No pressure there.

Apparently, a site called “plinky.com” (sounds like a good name for those useless accessory-dogs that fit in purses) generates a daily blog-worthy inquiry; something to spur pithy thoughts, like, “What top five songs should you take on a road trip?” … “Which movie characters would you befriend in real life?” … “Who would win a fight between a bear and a shark?” … or, “What’s the most useless thing in your house right now?”  While those topics are very nice … none of them really speaks to me or the doggie demographic. What about, “List your top 5 puppy names” … “How to win friends and solicit table scraps?” … “Which movie characters would you bite in real life?” … or, “How many ways are there to actually skin a cat?”

The great thing about being a dog is that there is no imperative to be witty. In fact, speaking of speaking, unless someone issues the “Speak!” command, or errant wildlife violates the perimeter, a dog can pretty much keep quiet.  And, while you may be called upon to fetch something or perform an occasional trick, these feats are usually basic and nonverbal. Instead of feeling compelled to yammer on and on on our Facebook page all day, we dogs are inclined – and expected – to sleep. If there’s a sunny patch of carpet and I’m not lying in it, people think there’s something wrong with me.

The Take-Away: Bloggers everywhere should just take a load off. If there’s something compelling to say — say it.  If not — go roll around in the backyard. 

Post Note: Mom wanted me to report out on the bird nest … she wanted me to mention that the Chiplets are getting bigger and featherier, and that the nest was getting really crowded.  Give me a packet of dipping sauce and I can take care of that in 20 seconds.

Pre-Ramble: Yell the word “bacon” in a crowded room, and conversation will hush — half of the people will turn with a look of recogition that says, “you are one of us” – the other half will look askance as though you’ve just committed some foul breech of personal etiquette. I will venture to say that beyond a mere culinary preference, an affinity for bacon represents a lifestyle choice.

So, as a closet bacon aficionado for the last 25 years (at least that’s all I’ll admit to in this forum), I’ve noticed over the past couple of years that bacon has become an uber-trendy darling, not only to the foodie crowd, but among a variety of other fraternities as well. Not even the very popular olives and cupcakes have busted through the boundaries of the ordinary foodstuff to become the versatility player and cross-over talent that bacon has. 

Author Joanna Pruess says it best in her homage, “Seduced by Bacon,”

Although 71 percent of bacon is still eaten for breakfast and brunch, it has recently stepped into the limelight as a culinary superstar. Led by a charge from creative cooks and chefs … this once humble staple [is now featured] in dishes that are served at all hours of the day and evening and at some of the finest restaurants. Ounce for ounce, slice per slice, no other quintessential ingredient has the seductive powers of bacon. 

Here, here!!! No truer words were ever spoken. This “seductive superstar” comes in a wide variety of flavors conjured up in smokehouses all across the country. There’s Applewood Smoked, Cinnamon Cured, Peppercorn, Cob Smoked, Hickory Smoked, Maple Cured, Garlic Clove, Hickory Juniper and even Jalapeno Smoked bacon. Consult the Grateful Palate’s Field Guide to Bacon for an exhaustive list of bacon options.

Polarizing pork:  And, it’s not just fabulous by itself, bacon in combination with other foods is downright tasty as well. Beyond its workhorse roles in the BLT or as a companion to eggs, bacon has become the favorite foil to all sorts of unusual food fare. Last year’s Minnesota State Fair featured a new controversial food-on-a-stick — Famous Dave’s Pig Lickers … dark chocolate-covered crispy bacon pieces sprinkled with sea salt (because bacon isn’t salty enough). Some hailed its praises, others spit it out.

It’s everywhere.  Moving comfortably among both food and non-food venues, bacon can be found in the most unlikely places. Alongside the Oxford Classic Edition of The Major Works of Sir Francis Bacon on Amazon, for example, are twenty-five other “bacon” related products including bacon dip, bacon popcorn, bacon chocolate bars, bacon flavored jelly beans (in a bacon shaped collectible tin), a bacon wallet, bacon action figures, bacon bandages (I have a pack of these – positively grizzly), and the seriously misguided bacon air freshener (who wants a car that smells like you’ve just driven through a grease fire?)  Between you and me, the biggest down-side of these applied bacon products is the decidedly unphotogenic properties of meat.

The Take-Away:  Let’s face it — like name dropping the Octomom or Susan Boyle, writing a blog about bacon is a cheap stunt. It is so easy to piggy-back on the near-sacred reputation of this delectably salty, crispy/chewy delight. I fess up to the fact that pandering to the weakness of the hog wild set is a shameless act. Bacon makes desperate people do desperate things. My bad. (See there — I hate it when people say, “My bad,” but I just said it … clearly a desperate bacon-induced lapse.)

Post Note: One of the best presents I’ve ever received was a subscription to the Bacon-of-the-Month-Club. Every month, a knock would come on the door, and there would be my UPS man, smiling that knowing smile as he forked over the special chill-pack box. Bacon in the mail = heaven on earth.

Pre-Ramble: According to Wired Magazine’s Scott Brown, the dynamic of Internet communications is turning us into a virtual community of stand-up comedians. His premise is that when we communicate online, we’re all vying for the attention, approval and esteem of the vast “out-there,” and we use the elusive mechanism of humor to engage our audience. He describes the ”unleashed energies of millions of amateur comedians” in this way:

Thanks to the digital hive mind, comedy is colloquy, everything is material and life has become one big writer’s room … a massive clusterchuckle of witty oneupsmanship.

Beyond mere humor, Brown cites “insight” as the basic currency of the information economy. Here, unexpected and/or ironic combinations of current events, issues, ideas and images draw upon the elements of “memory, annotation, contrast and collage” to create a unique type of “resonant” communication. The goal is to wield a blend of one’s personal area(s) of expertise, creativity, and wordsmithing prowess to spark a new awareness, or even better, elicit a response from an audience.

You can’t execute a high-quality social media communication without being either outright funny, clever, snarky, cutesy, or over-the-top enthusiastic (extreme use of capital letters and exclamatory punctuation). Deep knowledge around a variety of obscure, random or very cool, people, events and factoids is imperative.

The new comedy-based standard also brings out our competitive edge. There is definitely a smack-down quality to the parry and thrust of internet banter … a combination wit-fest and blogslam. Listen for the virtual fist-pumps as millions of master-hipster-quippers hit the “send” button. 

Brown suggests that “funny” is becoming a language unto itself, the “lingua franca of the wired world.”  Huh?  See, right there, I just got nicked by an obscure, foreign-language-based quip — “lingua franca” sounds really cool, but I have no idea what means, so, I’ll have to take a quick click over to wikipedia to look the damn thing up… (Brown-1, Emmons-0)

The Take-Away: Wow, this is unfortunate — I have nothing clever, insightful or informative to offer here.

Post-Note:  In a nod to stupid pet tricks, a byproduct of the imperative to be entertaining is that stupidness has been elevated to an art form. Case in point, the Lolcat series. (“Lol” as in text-message speak for “laugh-out-loud,” and “cat” as in … well, cat …, the lethargic house-pet.) People upload pictures of cats doing things that cats do (like lying around, or walking on the backs of couches) accompanied with a headline or some kind of dialogue that enhances what the cat is doing or thinking. People take turns trying to come up with a clever headline or dialogue, and still others vote on which headline or dialogue is the best. While I have spent a good fifteen minutes on the site, as a devout cat-hater, I refuse to concede that this phenomenon is in any way funny.

If you want funny, go to YouTube and listen to the Dane Cook rif on Bees and Sharks:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AtP0ctTQY4… (Warning: look out for some foul language.)

Pre-Ramble: In a quick follow-on to my earlier iPhone post which dealt with the technology side of things, I feel it only fitting that I take a minute to provide some info on another form of ”software” - iPhone fashion. 

As with the plethora of add-on applications for the innards of the iPhone 3G, there are also apparently a number of unique ways to distinguish the exterior of the phone. I was blissfully unaware of this until it came time to work up a list of stocking-stuffers for my girls. When they suggested a new cover for their phone, I gave them the clueless, all-to-familiar, huh? Who knew? All this time I’ve been using a boring, naked phone. 

Customization is clearly the name of the game here; there are iPhone accessories designed to stick to it, dangle from it, or wrap around it.  Options for the look and feel of the phone run the gambit from basic to fanciful to absurd, both in terms of functionality, aesthetics and price. You’ve got your basic off-the-rack plastic case, sold in a variety of colors at the Apple Store or online for between $30 and $50. Then you have rows of stuff in the funky cart in the middle of the mall… Trust me, most of these are so poorly designed that they don’t even fit on a phone, let alone hold up to the kind of punishment that the average phone is subjected to (bottom of lockers, purses, floppy low-ride pockets, floors of cars…). Which brings us to the more intrepid, quasi-protective covers designed to resist all manner of trauma; these macho styles are made out of flexible neon rubber, carbon fiber, and tire-tread and come with enough straps and clips to ensure that your phone is going to stay well within shouting distance. 

As the mother of teenage girls, I am particularly keyed in on the variety of “runway” phone fashions - designer editions, the majority of which are very sparkly and very spendy. Hot brands including Hello Kitty, Juicy Couture, Louis Vuitton, and even Prada feature hand-stitched Italian leather, animal prints, and rhinestones, and can run anywhere from $50 to $20,000. (No. The answer is no. Because I said so.)

My favorites though, are the quirky, retro-esque cases created by the Narwhal Company. The quaint, impractical sleeping-bag style comes in a bunch of different fabrics, each reminiscent of an old necktie or something you’ve seen on HBO’s Mad Men. The juxtaposition of the no-tech Narwhal and the ultra-sleek iPhone is amusing, as is their, what I hope is tongue-in-cheek, marketing pitch:

You own the Holy Grail of modern consumer electronics – don’t let a mass-produced casing diminish its style. Our iPhone covers compliment the iPhone’s style with a unique pattern on the outside, and protect it from scratches and falls with a soft alpine fleece lining on the inside. The fit is snug enough to keep your iPhone safely inside the cover without being too tight to quickly remove it for an incoming call. Our iPhone covers are as unique as your phone conversations.

Sorry to be a buzz-kill, Narwhal:  The folks who buy the iPhone are heavy users. Fleece lining or no, the phone-cozy concept is not going to cut it with this crowd. For them, it’s all about access and response time. Even if they’re planning to ignore the message, no self-respecting teenager is going to use up valuable nanoseconds dumping their phone out of a sack to check an incoming text. Plus, like mice, where there’s one text message, there are thirty more.  A simple “conversation” conducted via text-message, even those involving a shockingly minimal number of characters, can string out over several hours, even days. The bottom line is, if the screen is blocked, the phone may as well be in a vault at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. 

The Take-Away: What more need be said? Who really needs a fancy phone cover when you never actually put the phone down? Wake me up when you’ve perfected the iPhone cover that my girls really want - the prosthetic device that literally becomes an extension of their arm.