Pre-Ramble:  So, the miracles of modern marketing strategy aren’t always as miraculous – or as accurate — as we might hope. I’m thinking that perhaps our class action fears around stuff like Homeland Security, Big Brother, Google, and tracking cookies are unfounded. 

Just the other day I received an email from my BFF Amazon.com letting me in on a bunch of products that it was sure, in its omniscient e-wisdom, I’d be interested in.

When it comes to books, my buddies at Amazon are, more often than not, able to gather up a handful of titles that are vaguely relevant to items that I have purchased from them in the past. I don’t mind that. In fact, I have often responded to their suggestions with a spontaneous click to the Quik Checkout button. 

The other day however, it presented a collection of goods that were so off-base, it was laughable. 

Dear Amazon.com Customer — As someone who has shown an interest in cooking and home products, you might like to know about our Summer Sale on over 400 products … blah … blah …”

Among the array of ”cooking and home products” that had been assembled for my consideration were: the George Foreman 360 Grill, complete with 5 interchangeable grill plates; the Shun steel angled 6-inch utility knife; and the Rachel Ray 10-piece anodized cookware set in orange.  All of this would have been great, except that the item which I had ordered from Amazon that in all likelihood had triggered this series of cutting edge marketing communications was The Twinkies Cookbook (2006).

I know what you’re thinking — cooking at its finest, right?  And if the brightly colored Hostess logo on the cover doesn’t sell you, the cadre of gourmet recipes and user testimonials inside will have you scrambling for your PayPal password. As you can imagine, I had some real trouble trying to decide which delectable concoction I would like to make first.

• Twinkie Petits Fours – “I created this recipe in honor of my dad, using his favorite treats — Twinkies and chocolate. They are so good, and no one believes me when I tell them what they are.”  Barb C. from Bakersfield, CA … (I know I’d be incredulous.)
• Twinkie Sushi – “It’s nice to serve Twinkie Sushi at a dinner party on a Japanese tray with chopsticks. Your guests will laugh while they enjoy a refreshing fruity dessert at the same time.” Clare C. Baton Rouge, LA … ( Can’t you just hear the guests chuckling now?)
• Twinkie Smoothie – “This Hostess original recipe was created to commemorate Twinkies’ 75th anniversary. It’s best served parlor style with two straws!”  ( A good beverage is all about texture.)
• Twinkie Kebabs – “This was a spur-of-the-moment idea. I had leftover fruit, but not enough Twinkies to give each of the gals at my candle-making party her own. This recipe saved the day!” Dianne M. from Lakemoor, IL … (PHEW – disaster averted, Dianne!!)
• Twinkie Shortcake – “When my sister-in-law made this recipe for a family dinner, everyone thought she had worked her tail off in the kitchen. She shared the secret of this quick and easy dessert with only the women. Now it’s become our inside joke when we make it — the men think we’ve slaved away for them.” Debbie J. from Saint Augustine, FL … (Wink, wink … I know my stupid husband wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between traditional strawberry shortcake and a pile of cut up Twinkies covered in Cool Whip…)
• Twinkie Tunnel Bundt Cake – “I make this cake for special occasions and when company is coming. People love the surprise of finding the Twinkies hidden inside the chocolate cake!” Darlene C. from Piper Cove, MN … (A delightful “Gotcha!” moment to be sure … And, the Bundt pan itself was invented in Minnesota too!)

The Take-Away: I thought that ”Twinkie Cookbook” was an oxymoron.  Clearly not. In cyberspace, fashioning quasi-edible food matter into faux-food formats is considered cooking. Who knew?  Well, … until the next edition comes out, I’ll be out back grilling up some consumables on the George Foreman.

Pre-Ramble: Yesterday’s news included a report indicating that the number of billionaires in the world had dropped by 30 percent in the past year. Apparently, of the 1,125 billionaires on the 2008 list, just 752 remain.

You know it’s bad when you’ve been booted off the billionaires’ list. (I’m sure I can imagine that.) Well so, how do they tell you exactly? It’s not like they can just announce it over the PA during homeroom. Is there some kind of siren that goes off? Is it like the Oscar nominations where they call you at the crack of dawn? Or, are you left to read about it in the paper like every other schmuck with dwindling assets? And actually, how do you even know that you’re officially on the celebrated list in the first place?  Is somebody in charge of monitoring everyone’s bank account and pocket change?

Forbes Magazine, it seems, is the keeper of the lists. In fact, they have a whole list of lists. I’m not sure how they track and verify their data, but in addition to the list of The World’s Billionaires, they have lists of The World’s Millionaires, The Richest Americans, and separate lists of the richest people from Australia, New Zealand, China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, India, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, the Philipines and Singapore. Forbes also releases lists in other exceptional categories like best companies, restaurants, schools, zip codes, sports teams, and even charities.

So, back to the plight of the fallen billionaires — you’ll be relieved to know that our own Bill Gates has been restored to the top spot on the list with a reported $40 billion, and even though he lost a spectacular $25 billion in the last 12 months, savvy investor and Obama BFF, Warren Buffett weighs in at No. 2 with $38 billion. 

It’s really tough for me to get my head around numbers this big, and if you stop to consider the kind of bank we’re talking about in the ga-jillion dollar stimulus package… well, that almost becomes illusory.

To put it into some kind of perspective, internet sources describe one billion dollars as ”someone giving you $1,000 every day for 2,738 years.”  That’s a lot of years, and where do I sign up?  Other sources try to express it in terms of piles of money, or number of football fields stacked on top of each other. Still others use more unconventional means like comparing the combined weight of a billion credit cards with the equivalent weight of 1,562 hippopotamuses (hippopotami?). Frankly, the weight of a hippo is just as obscure as the concept of 787 billion of something.

The Take-Away: When in doubt, I always default to the Twinkie. This iconic, cream-filled snack-cake is a universal equalizer — everyone has a rough idea of the size and value of the golden, spongy delight … and, whether you would actually eat one or not, they are the stuff of dependability and fun.

Bearing in mind that there is no tax on Twinkies in Minnesota, the price of a single Twinkie (not a two-pack) is 69 cents. Thus, in today’s marketplace, one billion dollars will buy  1,438,848,921 Twinkies. Slicing the analogy another way, one billion Twinkies laid end to end measures 4,250,000,000 inches, which will stretch around the circumference of the Earth (equatorial distance) approximately 2.7 times.